cable all bad ... some of the channel's just aren't there!

* * *

well, something good did come out of it ... was able to see the last days of disco and it was actually a nice movie. if you're lucky enough to have movie magic on your cable, you might just catch it one of these days.

* * *

luckily, tv in our kitchen is somehow able to get hbo -- barely -- but was able to catch the season finale of sex and the city. big left, miranda gave birth, and carrie's happy.

* * *

people are bothered with sex and the city. just yesterday, was in a meeting with RA and a part-time teacher and they were discussing how awful the influence of that television show was. the part-time teacher has a sister in the states and apparently, two of her twelve-year-old students are pregnant (and were impregnated by the same 13-year-old boy). both of them agreed that the influence of four successful, beautiful women was really bad on young girls -- they grow up thinking that THAT's just the way to live.

last week, while paolo and i were talking, he likewise attributed my attitude towards love to sex and the city. his conclusion? not a good influence.

* * *

bad idea's really a bad idea. don't ask why ... trust me on this one.

* * *

just figured a way to deal with rey ... pabayaan mo siya.

got terribly offended last saturday when two messages i sent him were left unanswered. didn't bother to text at all sunday.

surprise, surprise. he texted.

same thing happened monday, tuesday, wednesday.

thursday, texted him about a job opportunity so that didn't count.

early friday, he texted me that he was on his way to mimosa. got a mini-update about his day in the evening. first message i received saturday came from him. my phone was virtually silent the whole day so third message of the day -- at 7:30 p.m. (i'm pathetic, huh?) -- was from him too, asking how my day was.

next saturday, we have a date to the bookfair. asked him to go with me. his answer -- "sure ros sat it is!"

he texted again -- "hey, have a surprise for you : )"

awwwwwwwwwww ...

veevee was right -- give him the chance to miss you.

so, that's what i'm doing. maybe i'm not waiting in vain after all. but no, i will not let this get my hopes up. for the last three weeks, i've been building up a happiness reserve within me. it's worked so far. even my thesis is beginning to look like one. don't want to crash and burn again.

* * *

transpo was just awful ... don't know if i should pity camacho or find the entire thing ridiculous.

three people recited today ... three. it was a reading class basicall -- he asks, they read. half the class was sleeping, one-fourth was talking to each other, one-fourth was pretending to listen. good thing there was no signal ... otherwise, globe and smart would've made a lot of money.

we finished the coverage with thirty minutes to spare. ron de vera just had to "save the day" by asking sir about his personal life ... DARN. that was the most painful part of the afternoon. god bless kris ablan for making the pain go away '-- "sir, anong coverage next week?" even camacho had to laugh at that one.

2nd day without libre ... grrr

* * *

am being stupid. hate the combination of loneliness, a really cute crush, and a few kilig moments -- they all lead to me deluding myself that there'll be a possibility of me ending up in a happy relationship with that person.

go away, evil feeling.

* * *

hate it when plans don't push through. was supposed to go out to dinner with a few officemates and our most recent retiree (forced retirement, really, but let's not go into that) but one couldn't make it so they decided not to push through with the dinner anymore. sayang.

* * *

nice when you earn extra bucks, no matter how small it is. was surprised when there was an additional amount for this pay period. turns out that the lecture i'll be doing this tuesday is not a freebie. happy happy happy.

no libre today. stumbled out of bed quite late already ... both quezon ave and shaw stations were out of copies when i got there. sad.

now how will i know how my career and love life will be like for the day?

* * *

kids are in the classroom right now actually giving me an assessment as their child ed teacher. the entire sem is flashing before my eyes ...

1. are they bothered when i sit on top of the teacher's table?
2. do they hate me as i have yet to generate a reading list?
3. does my weekly story reading suck?
4. do they like me as a teacher?
5. are they bothered when i drone on and lecture?
6. am i too much of a friend and too little of a professor to them?

* * *

bad idea texted me last night ... we ended up texting each other for hours on end, contents of which are virtually unpostable. but one message made me smile stupidly the rest of the night ...

was asking him to set me up with someone as i was feeling lonely over the absence of a kilig relationship in my life.

he replied -- tayo na lang, need to know more about you before i promote you to my friends.

oh me ... oh my ... sana, diba? one date with him, the works, would be a dream come true.

siyempre, dalagang pilipina, i didn't reply to that one, instead telling him "i'm serious, please set me up."

after several more messages, told him if there's no one else, then i wouldn't mind going out with him na lang. reply ng gago? "buddies lang, he he."

hate hate men.

* * *

but then again, wasn't it through a texting spree that pam and jm found each other?

* * *

whatever happened to bestest ex? nothing, absolutely nothing. there's no way for me to contact him, except through e-mail and i've sent him two already. that's the max. so unless i serendipitously bump into him again or he replies, that's it for the meantime i guess.

* * *

hope that bad idea in time becomes a good idea.

asa pa.

my newest addiction is the inquirer libre ... you're doing a great job, pam.

i've started taking the train every morning since monday. the traffic at edsa has become really bad (imagine an hour and a half from philcoa to crossing) but the traffic at quezon ave's really heaven. so these days, work is thirty happy minutes away. don't get to have my morning bus nap anymore but what the heck, i feel like a new yorker ...

* * *

new yorker, daw ...

i guess i have an overactive imagination. riding the train while thinking of that amazing weekend with bestest ex makes me feel like diane lane as she rode home from her tryst with her french guy ... walking from rustans to the office makes me feel like meg ryan in you've got mail ...

anything, anything at all to make commuting better than it actually is.

* * *

i remember one morning when it was raining buckets. i was on my way to work from the house and it took my five minutes to leave the comforts of our garage and venture out in the rain. there were two perfectly dry vehicles sitting there and i had to walk to the corner to get a tricycle just to get outside our village, then a jeep, then a bus, then another jeep.

that day i really hated not being able to drive properly. i have renewed my license three times already, countless people have offered to -- and actually did - teach me how to handle a car but unless my parents actually allow me to drive the family car, then all that training won't really work.

maybe it's cause i'm a girl, maybe it's cause there was a time that i mistakenly over-steered and the car went up the curb.

I am 16% evil. Take the test :: koolplace.com

* * *

i may be a bitch, but i'll go to heaven. yay!

* * *

read two different critiques of the film gamitan -- one from the PDI and the other from Libre -- and got two different opinions. the libre article claimed it was so bad that people were walking out in the middle of it, quark henares being more of a video director who needs to learn the basics of film making before he engages in another attempt at making a movie. the pdi comment talked of the director's talents, at how he made the best of everything, citing even how patricia javier's character would eat phallic symbols for breakfast.

talk about everything being a matter of taste : )

* * *

this is my journal and it will reflect me ... the guys i choose to go out with, the seeming inconsistencies with what i want and what i actually do, and the evil nature. should i choose not to disclose anything, it's most likely because i don't know you personally, and never will. the people who know me can fill out the details themselves and that's the reason why you say this as "pa-mysterious" -- i don't what the whole world to know everything.

maybe some people who read this will eventually become friends, and in my off-line life, they will know who the people i'm talking about are. but for now, you'll have to be satisfied with what you get, inconsistencies, lack of details, and all.

* * *

miss reading willow's blog.

sometimes, we just get so damn lucky ...

1) i'm lucky i have great students and my favorites (so sue me!) are the best ... coffee at alabang with j & i, lunch at the podium with my absolute bestest tutees: a, c& j ... shopping spree at national and filipino bookstore with m, p, & t ...

2) a great brother who'd give you tickets to the mega event

3) a superwoman mom who'd bring you to the dorm every sunday

4) officemates who make sure that you stay happy

5) bad idea to commute to UP with sometimes

6) best friends who show up when you least expect them too but need them the most ....

haaay ... i could go on and on and on ...

* * *

yesterday i was a brat ... today, i got a message telling me that it doesn't really matter, after all, it's MY blog.

lucky me : )

* * *

sometimes you feel like a loser for being at home on a saturday night ... but then again, you arrive home and your mom and brother's there, your favorite aunt's visiting ... and saturdays at home seems like a blessing.

* * *

please pray i get that job ... aunt brought up a great job offer. am praying...

please RA, vanvan, tartar -- don't mention this to BB... it's not sure yet but it's really a break if i get it.

woke up to a text message from a friend:

read ur blog after a looong time. i can say that u switch from a giggling teenager to a certified brat.

ouch. i don't mind the giggling teenager description, but i do mind the certified brat ...

led me to think: do we fail to edit ourselves when we blog?

the first thing we learn growing up is delayed gratification. unlike babies, we can't poo or pee anywhere, we can't eat anytime, we can't have everything we want. then the next thing we develop is our "public persona", the part that makes you polite even to the shittiest person and stops you from pulling that awfully uncomfortable wedgie between your butt cheeks. then you learn to blog ... you type, then hit post and publish without really thinking. you can hate the world, curse without thinking of your immortal soul, gush about a crush or loved one -- no one should mind, after all, it is your blog. people read your blog, and since they don't really know you, it doesn't matter if they think you're being a bitch or not.

but when you receive a text message from someone who knows you ... or at least someone you'd want to know better .. and tells you you're a certified brat, what do you do?

do you begin to edit yourself, in your own on-line journal no less, as you do in real life? or do you ignore the message, in a wonderful "take-it-or-leave-it" frame of mind, believing that the best of them would say they'd like you brat or not.

would love to believe i'm not a brat, never have been, never will. maybe that's just the kid inside me who takes wing whever i'm typing away on my blog. maybe that's the part of me that gets hidden whenever i put on my teacher by day, student by night persona. maybe that brat that showed up in this blog was much similar to the cuckoo in barbie's dreamworld (see neil gaiman's sandman - book v, i think).

hopefully, i'll never have to edit myself (except for grammar and spelling) when i do this blog, but hopefully, a better me surfaces. there's nothing wrong with the giggly teenager, or the certified brat, as long as they don't become ME. in time, maybe i'll grow up. maybe i'll learn to be more magnanimous, more patient, more prudent. and i'm praying that THAT will show in time.

* * *

been eyeing a cross pen for the last two weeks. my first cross pen was a chrome-and-gold ballpen which my dad sent me for christmas. i lost that one in the debsoc tambayan so saved up money to buy myself a replacement. that replacement got lost when my wallet got stolen (pen was inside wallet). mom, who felt bad for me, bought me a cheaper chrome version. that one got lost too in 1999 when the open bayong bags were all the rage -- darn thing kept tipping over and spilling its contents. think it rolled in the inner recesses of bestest ex's car (together with my digital diary which he found after we broke up).

so been craving for a cross ballpen ... but unlike five years back when it cost around P500++ for the chrome version, the exchange rate made the cost really prohibitive -- P1,290. that amount could pay part of my 2nd sem tuition fee, or two books, or a good pair of shoes. but that much for a pen's too much, especially when you still owe your mom for dental expenses. still, i took the plunge anyway ... first thing i wrote with the pen? a plan to save P50/day, five days a week. at that rate, i'd be able to pay my tuition fund by September 26.

* * *

happy project day 19 ... and counting.

survived the exam ... that's the key word, i guess -- survived. it was tough. i though i knew my corpo law, turns out i knew zilch.

* * *

vanvan, RA, tartar ... what is that bet all about????

anyway, i'm still happy. he!he!he!

started my morning though when i saw tsang in the washroom. bad trip. she was bugging me about foundation day stuff. gusto yata niya na siya yung maging head, eh she wants a streamer for the damn thing -- told her we don't need one, given that most of our invites have been faxed or emailed already and that we're not exactly advertising something. sabi niya, kailangan daw yun para makilala ang school of education.

* * *

My College Is:

rosa Ivy League University Students at rosa Ivy League University are very studious. Students at rosa Ivy League University masturbate a lot. There are lots of frats and sororities. Weed is the drug of choice. The average GPA is 3.25

Enroll

stumbled into a whole lot of quizzes in renaissance girl's blog ... will take the interesting ones and try to figure myself out.

* * *

the underwear test told me i'm a tank bra - cute, bright, and very friendly, great to talk to ... not bad. not bad at all.

* * *

oooohh ... the next test i took gave me awful results ... darn.

* * *

i am 40% bitch, higher than the worldwide average of 38%.

my students were right after all.

* * *

exam so so so so near. am so scared. please pray for me. it's a five-unit course, and i really love the teacher, the class, and i'm learning a lot ... i just hope i've learned enough to pass the course. he's dropping the kids who don't pass the midterms.

oh me oh my.

hey anonymous ... won't quote you anymore ... shy ka pala, eh.

* * *

watched unfaithful with my mom yesterday (yep i watched a movie instead of studying for a major exam on wednesday ... 58 hours to go.)

one thing -- it's weird watching a movie like that with your mother. i ended up squirming in my seat and distracted the whole time. go figure. next time, i'd watch something "safe" with her, like lilo and stitch.

* * *

is it true that gloria plans to appoint oreta as DepEd secretary?

stupid stupid stupid. roco may not have been manna from heaven but what does tessie know about philippine education? vanvan told me it was to get rid of the opposition from the senate. yeah ... but at the expense of millions of filipino school age children?

with a president like macapagal-arroyo, it's no wonder why americans have not voted a female into the presidency.

* * *

i'm willing myself to study ... study! study! study!

oh my goodness ... i watched the mega event last night.

* * *

i had been a closet sharonian since i could understand her movies. i loved watching her on television, watching her movies, reading stuff about her. but since none of my friends ever asked, nor did i feel i had to share this tidbit of information about me, no one really labeled me one, that is, until i started discussing guilty pleasures with my office friends.

i had to admit it -- i am a big ate shawie fan!

* * *

my brother attended a super ferry training and won two tickets to the event. i thought i had to give it up already since it meant having to go home on friday then back to UP on saturday to attend classes. turns out my mom gave the tickets to a friend. cajoled him into taking me.

yay!

* * *

while i was watching the concert last night, i had words swimming before my eyes -- was thinking i was gonna write this and that about the mega event. now all i can say was that it was the best ... one of the best (cause last week was pretty happy!) ... saturdays of my life. gary v and martin were both there. then martin sang josh g's song. almost melted.

* * *

hmmmm .... have had an amazing saturday streak since august started. am so happy.

* * *

good thinks come to those who are happy. -- my new motto.

same time last week i bumped into bestest ex.
this week? struggling to make sense out of this mess i'm in. but i'm still happy. hey RA -- i think this mood's a keeper.

i think love is complete bullshit. i don't think anyone ever loves anyone. i think the best people ever get is horny; horny and scared, so when they find someone who makes them horny, and they get too scared of the world outside, they stay together and they call it love.
- Death, The High Cost of Living (Neil Gaiman)

* * *

the day i start thinking that way is the day that i request someone to shoot me. i've grown cynical on love, yes, but not THAT cynical. not yet.

* * *

promised vanvan the other day that for one week, i will not NOT snap at anyone. that's my offering to god so that he'll bring bestest ex back to me.

today, tsang really tried my patience. at ten in the morning. kainis.

bb called me to remind me i have to pass a hard copy of my thesis draft at four this afternoon. i left the computer for less than five minutes. when i got back, she was poised to take over. so let me vent ....

alam mo, kaya nag-lo-log-on ang mga tao ay para sabihin na ginagamit mo pa ang computer at ang ibig sabihin noon lahat ng setting as naka-register sa yo. ang ibig sabihin noon, pwede mong pakialaman yung email ko and yung internet ko ang yung documents ko. shet.

there ... i'm calm now, i'm better now.

whew. and i thought my eight-day i'm-as-happy-as-a-cow streak was going to end.

no no no no no no way, not because of him, not because of her.

because bestest ex made me realize i can still be happy.

yay.

* * *

if bestest ex and i get back together, promise, no more evil stares, no more awful temper, no more overspending or oversleeping. just pure happiness.

* * *

i found out from my roommate that the reason why clothes professionally laundered smell so good is that they spray something on it after pulling it out of the dryer and before folding them. must find out what that is and get a bottle, a gallon, a whole lot of it. that way, i'll have that freshly-laundered scent on my clothes and no need of the usual fruity cologne.

* * *

rt (my on-again off-again guy) told me the other day via text - "let's not fight anymore. we always fight. i'm on the verge of giving up."

i was a bit pissed cause he hasn't made time to be with me. it was enough reason to be mad, right?

anyway, he promised friday. today, he's cancelling again -- masyadong late na daw kung mamayang gabi pa kami mag-kikita.

it's becoming a cycle. he'd make plans on days when he can't possibly make it, then get pissed at me when i get mad when he cancels.

hey ...
... it's not too late when you watch the jerks all the way up to two in the morning
... it's not too late when you hang out with your students.
... it's not too late when you go drinking with your friends ... your philandering friends.
... it's not too late to watch formula 1 at 3 in the morning.
... it's not too late to go to a union meeting.
... it's not too late to plan dekada stuff.

but it's always too late to have dinner with me.

don't worry, rey. it's too late for me too. i've given up on you.

* * *

friends at work have begun making bets on who i'll finally end up with.

guys, i'm hoping its bestest ex, praying it won't be him, but bad idea won't be so bad.

* * *

RA just though up of our version of sex and the city -- relationships and the city, the city being drab old pasig.

RA, though he's male, is Charlotte. perky, married, oh-so-positive about love.

tartar's our very own Miranda ...and that's only cause she's pregnant.

veevee/vanvan/potpot, much to her annoyance, has to be sam, not because she bed hops but only because she's unattached.

i have declared myself to be carrie ... if only because i blog. he!he!he!

i wish i had a choice between men as smashingly amazing as mr. big and aidan ... that'll be the day.

* * *

did something stupid ... so so stupid.

people i write about don't know that this exists. it's my secret world of sorts. except that i was NOT THINKING when i typed in the link to this blog in an email i sent to bestest ex. bad. i just re-read the entries i've written since after the very happy friday and i realized i'd die -- literally and figuratively -- if bestest ex ever reads this. oh my.

part of me wants him to read this, just so he'd know. maybe he'd reconsider.

part of me's like ... no, please, not my blog, not this, not not not this oh so personal journal-of-sorts. stupid stupid stupid.

* * *

cramming like crazy to churn out something that resembles chapter one of a thesis.

* * *

done cramming ... bb seemed a bit happy with what i passed her. she's not only my boss, she's my thesis adviser. now i have to make something again so she'd be off my back when she gets back ...

so what if i write around two pages of thesis material between now and october 1, that's around 45 days, hmmm, by then i'd have 90 pages. not bad... plus all their comments and spurts of thinking in between, i'd end up with a 145 pages. thesis done.

* * *

corporation law midterms on wednesday. i have begun to carry volume 1 of campos around like a bible, thinking i'd get to read it when i have some spare time.

i've been warned.

* * *

the nice thing with blogs is that you get to meet people, people that you wouldn't meet otherwise. you get to learn about them, and in the process, begin to care about them. you read their blogs regularly, then show some support when they're down by sending an email or two, basically to say hang in there, everything's going to be ok.

but the bad side is you get to meet people, people who think that just because they've read your innermost thoughts, they know how exactly it is you're feeling right now, that they have a stake in your life. they don't. YOU don't.

* * *

i'm the only person who probably wears a skirt and heels when it's raining outside. maybe cause i believe it's my time to shine, especially when everyone's in drab colors and look as if they couldn't care less as to how they look.

i only wish bestest ex could see me.

* * *

nothing NOTHING nothing at all could ruin my happy mood.

i mean, it's been almost a week and i'm still on top of the world. RA told me that i've regained my old (as in way back in 1999 pa when it was last seen) cheerful self.

am glad. everything seems so much easier when you're happy.

* * *

i finally met dr. jesus estanislao. shook his hand.

wow. one more goal achieved.

was reading the inquirer when a line caught my eye ...

"There's no such thing as a mistake. There's what you do and what you don't do"

these days when even what i used to hold dearly is being wrecked by disappointments, i think i believe this line.

* * *

still happy as a cow. smiling stupidly at the world around me, all because of bestest ex.

they should put in a package whatever it is that he does to me so i can sniff it to keep me going on really bad days.

* * *

why, why, why did i give up on bestest ex so easily?

why did i give up on the guy who just decided to bring me home one day -- just cause he enjoyed talking to me?

why did i give up on the guy who went all the way to las piñas to bring me dinner from mcdonald's and mule?

why did i give up on the guy whose idea of a nice evening was sitting in the sunken garden, just talking, no hanky panky?

why did i give up on the guy who taught me the difference between the general and the special theories of relativity?

why did i give up on the guy who was patient enough to teach me how to drive?

why did i give up on the guy who introduced me both the neil gaiman and plato?

why did i give up on the guy who could discuss britney spears in the same breath as the concept of common good?

cause i was looking for cheap sweet dreams kind of love. cause i was selfish and wanted him all to myself.

please give me one more chance with bestest ex and i promise, i'll be better this time around. and i won't sharpen pencils at 3 in the morning anymore.

* * *

what did the dentist do to my mouth????

can't hardly open it now, it hurts. if this was a ploy to keep me quiet, it's working.

something i got from an email ... reminds me of slumbook stuff.

What time is it? 3:08 p.m.

Name as it appears on your birth certificate Not here ... but let me tell you it's the names of my two granmothers. really really ancient sounding.

Nickame/s if it's him, ros. if it's bestest ex, rox. if it's lust crush, roxanne. if it's my mom, ateng. if it's my bro, ate.

Parent's names Kiko and Lori

Number of candles that appeared on your last birthday cake? 23, plus a sign that said "plus 2"

Date that you regularly blow them out March 2, 1977

Pets had aristotle and plato, my two fishes that died. five more fishes before the, pair of fortune lobster. they're all up in pet heaven now.

Height 5' 2 1/2"

Eye color black

Hair Color Black

Piercing just your regular holes on the ear. never never never anywhere else. am too square i guess.

Tattoos only fake ones.

How much do you love your job The kids make it all worth it, the pay makes me tolerate it, some of the people make me want to leave.

Birthplace Metro Manila

Hometown Manila

Current Residence qc on weekdays, lp on weekends

Had the drink Calypso Breeze? don't think so.

Been in love before had my fair share already.

Been to Africa? in my dreams 

Been toilet-papering if this is the bathroom kind, i'd say everyday. if this is the i-will-trash-your-house kind, nope.

Been drunk?? not THAT drunk

Been toilet-papered? nope.

Loved somebody so much it made you cry? first time i cried because of love was with him.

Been in a car crash? not yet, but probably cause i don't drive yet. in spite of three license renewals, my parents fear me driving.

Croutons or Bacon Bits bacon bits ... bacon anything!

2 doors or 4? as long as it gets me where i want to go.

Sprite or 7 Up Sprite

Coffee or Coffee Ice cream Coffee ice cream, but on finals week, coffee.

Blanket or stuffed animal blanket
   
Dumper or Dumpee i'd rather be the dumper, but you'd have to be dumpee sometimes. that's just the way it is.

WHAT'S YOUR FAVORITE...

Salad Dressing don't really like salad dressing.

Color of socks black, i guess.

Number 7

Letter X

Place to be kissed lips, nose, cheeks, nape, back. 

Movie/s Silence of the Lambs (sick, huh?)

Quote from a movien Anything less than mad, passionate love is a waste of my time.

Favorite Holiday birthday!!!

Foods sinigang na baboy, pork barbecue, dried pork tapa, ketchup fries.

Favorite day of the week Friday

Song at the moment none.

TV show/s buffy, charmed, gilmore girls, the street (and my ultimate guilty pleasure) the buzz

Celebrity (/celebrities) Reese Witherspoon

Word or Phrase according to RA, to a certain extent

Shampoo sunsilk clear

Toothpaste Colgrate triple action

Restaurant aresi, and this place by gene gonzalez in timog that closed down

Flower lilies

Least Favorite Subject right now? transpo

Alcoholic Drink Vodka cruiser

Sport to Watch F1

Type of Ice Cream rocky road

Zoo Exhibit: none?

Sesame Street Character cookie monster

Fast Food Restaurant McDonald's

RANDOM QUESTIONS
When was your last hospital visit? last year, to visit ate sol's mom

Favorite drink really cold water without ice or countrytime pink lemonade

What color is your bedroom's carpet? have parquet floors.

What was the name of your childhood blanket None

How many times did you fail your permit? never

What do you think of Ouija boards should i even be thinking of them?

Where do you see yourself in 10 yrs  senior partner in a kick-ass law firm (as if?!?!?) ok, junior partner.

Who is the last person that you got mail from before this one? classmate from law telling me there's no class tonight. yay!

Have you ever been convicted of a crime nope, but was caught (and got a ticket for it!) jaywalking.

Which single store would you choose to max your credit card? this is too tough ... ooohhh... nine west?

What do you do most often when you are bored go to the mall.

What words or phrases do you overuse to a certain extent

Name the person that you are friends with that lives the farthest away from you: vivo

Most annoying thing is waiting for someone

Best thing being loved

Who will respond to this fastest since i didn't email this ...

Who is the person you sent this to that is least likely to respond? again, no one.

Your Ultimate Dream top the bar, make it to the supreme court, and marry bestest ex

What time is it now? 4 p.m.

it's raining cats and dogs ...and my students have been texting me like crazy, asking if we're still having classes.

if i had a choice, i'd make them all stay at home (after they finish their practicum assignments, of course!) and i'd stay at home myself and fantsize about my weekend once more.

* * *

last night i had a brief respite from all the smiling i've been doing since friday -- got into a screaming fit (over text) with him.

this morning, i woke up smiling. go figure. nothing, not even him can make me forget the amazing time i had this weekend.

but there's a part of me that knows this is wrong, using someone (or the high that you get from being with someone) to get over someone that you once believed you loved with your heart and with your minde and with your soul.

so am i just addicted to the feeling of being loved? do i give up on love when it does not come out the way i want it (or the way mills and boons told me it'll be like)?

potpot said it best when she told me this:
Sometimes when people are in a relationship, there are a lot of expectations that come about because there is a relationship. These expectations are defined largely by who we are -- gender, upbringing, worldview, types of Mills and Boon stories we come across, past beaus, etc. And sometimes, we forget that relationships are not just about who we are. They're also about the other person we love and who loves us back.

One's perspective is so much clearer post-facto, don't you think? I think you've grown up as you've realized that the whole two months that you and he were together, he was expressing his love for you not through words but more in deeds, as most guys do. In all likelihood, he is not the type who bares
his feelings because they always run deep and that he doesn't consider love as some trifle thing that is as cliche as "I love you" or worse yet, "I'm in love with you."

Maybe, the dumpage took place because he felt that you were expecting him to verbalize at every given opportunity this great ball of emotion that was far too complex yet simple at the same time. This is not say that reminding our beloved how we feel about them is not important. It is a good way of
nurturing a relationship, yes. But it's not the only way. I think AV was expressing it in less conventional means.

You found it hard to believe that he felt bad about the break-up because he never verbalized it. But he did. The signs were probably all over the place -- he just refused to be so obvious about wearing his heart on his sleeve. He probably felt the need to let go of someone who he felt could not be
appreciative of everything he was doing to make sure that the relationship worked. And it hurt him. In all likelihood, neither one of you refused to see how the other was feeling about it.

So, if your relationship is to be resurrected once more, both of you have to be willing to compromise so that you wouldn't seem like a nag and he Apathy-personified. You, to be okay with not hearing the three magic words so often, to be fine with simple gestures of love and to not seek out overt
orchestrations of romance, even if it goes against your personality. He, to be more affectionate, to be more tactful and to want to want to be more romantic every so often, even if it goes against his character.


she's right. she's always right.

* * *

today is RA's birthday.

ten things you should know about him:

1) he loves his wife crazy mad. i remember when they got together, first denying there was anything, then declaring october 25 to be the day. everyday, he tells me how great she is, how much he's lucky to have her. let me tell you boss -- she's lucky to have you.

2) he loves his job. for him, teaching's not a job, it's what makes him him. he'd prepare for his lessons carefully and wouldn't take any of it when i am too tamad to prepare for my classes. he takes every task seriously, making sure that we're way up there when it comes to standards.

3) he's a great friend. he has listened to all of my problems, and has talked when needed, but shut up when it was more needed.

now for the real part ...

4) he can be a bit faster when it comes to driving.
5) he can take my side more often than he does now.

but the best part is ...

6) his mom and dad finally got him a cellphone.
7) he'll be a dad really soon.
8) he has the craziest laugh.
9) he bounces along with you if you're happy.
10) he's one of the reasons why work is as fun as it is.

happy happy birthday, happy happy birthday. happy happy birthday to you!

had the best time with two of my favorite students last night ...

of course, as always, we processed the meaning of love ... and whether or not we have found our mad, passionate love.

ina concluded that mick's her mad passionate love.

jayvee's not sure if it's the current girlfriend or anne rose.

both kids agreed that bestest ex must've been my mad passionate love. i'd like to agree.

then they both told me to move on, leave him already, and worm my way to bestest ex's life.

not possible. not when the best way to get in touch is with a tiny machine that can send 160 characters of conversation. not when he lost his cellphone. not when he has no plans of getting another one. not when he's perfectly enjoying being out of touch. but maybe that's what make the meetings with him more special than special ... not knowing when it's going to happen next, not knowing anything at all.

* * *

should be studying for corpo. instead, i'm indulging myself -- reading my favorite blogs, reading inquirer, reading the sandman ... bad bad bad girl.

* * *

dentist at eleven. have dipped into the money i borrowed from my mom for the dentist. i hope what i have is enough. don't want to end up not being able to pay the dentist. nakakahiya naman yon.

yep, there is a god.

he proved himself (not that he needs to do it anyway, i'm a firm believer in him no matter what) to me over the last week by bringing my friends to life when he decided to be oh-so-absent the entire week.

so thursday, two of my best friends were alive.

that afternoon, i got a call from my favorite sigma rho law school seatmate who's now on leave.

friday i bump into he-was-my-biggest-crush-who-became-my-really-short-lived-boyfriend-who-became-my-really-good-friend-after-it-all. (whew).

it was serendipitous really. i had to leave the office at around 5 p.m. to make it to my aunt's place at 6:30 so i can have alawa (more on this later) on me. student arrived at 4:30 for consultation. since friday's the only day i don't rush off to law, we talked about her report on tuesday. then another student arrived and we discussed her really crappy master teacher. for short, it was around 5:30 before i got to pack up and leave.

halfway to where i get a ride, i realized that i left the journals i was supposed to check in the office. i didn't want to go back ... so i was trying to figure out something when i bumped into ... hmmm, really long codename, so let's just call him bestest ex. ... ok ... when i bumped into bestest ex.

hollered at him, and he looked really surprised to see me. i hardly make it to the office barkada gimmicks and he's been on the night shift for the longest time so it was a great surprise.

so we decided to go back to the office (he used to work there too!) to get the journals and look for tpie and the rest of the gang. they weren't on the seventh floor but lo and behold, when we decided to leave, we caught them talking at the lobby. really really serendipitous : )

by that time i was still planning to get the alawa done so i told them i'd steal bestest ex while tpie teaches a class and artichoke & sisig prepare stuff for the concert. i'll hand him back at 7.

never happened. we had a real blast talking over coffee. he chain smoked three cigarettes while we laughed and insulted each other and shared secrets and evaluated the last three months. we then had dinner at my most favorite place while we waited for them.

had loads of fun. ended up going home at 11 ... but was able to make a date with him for the following afternoon. just us. yay.

* * *

was terribly excited saturday ... 4 o'clock was THE hour i was looking forward to.

but first i had to finish my take home, meet tpie to get alawa done, get ipl photocopies, and go to ipl after passing transpo take home exam.

woke up bright and early (considering i sneaked in two hours of the sims after i got home) to start working on the exam. was doing ok until question number 4 ... and 5 ... uh-oh

darn.

mag-a-alawa na lang muna ako.

* * *

alawa's like sugaring ... amber-colored sticky liquid. but unlike sugaring, you don't need the cheesecloth strips. my aunt introduced me to it and since it was another form of hair removal that i have not tried yet ... well, i gave it a go.

ok lang ... torture, mostly, but the hair-less existence is amazing.

if you're interested, it's a tiny salon in teacher's village - rose bonita at mabait st. the trike drivers know it.

* * *

finished the exam at 12:30 so rushed to photocopier to get ipl readings, and read them!, before 1:00 p.m. class. counted the hours, minutes, seconds until four p.m. i realized while teacher was discussing his passion for e-books that the last thing i ate was the dinner at pancake house the night before. major major hunger.

sneaked out to buy ten flat tops and ate them in two minutes flat.

* * *

3:58 ... 3:59 ... 4:00

yay!

asked my teacher a question ... gave bestest ex extra time.

walked ... no, floated ... to the lobby.

he wasn't there.

* * *

4:10 ... 4:20 ... 4:30 ran to the dorm, maybe he was there.

* * *

rushed back to law. waited and waited and waited. 5:30 ... as i was about to leave, i spied him at the fishball stand.

he arrived at 4:30, looked for each other, and serendipitously (i'm beginning to like this word!) kept missing each other.

* * *

the whole wait was worth it. time flew.

* * *

let me tell you that this guy was the one that i expected the least from. when we were seeing each other, he was not the type to tell you he loved you or anything even remotely close to that. the best i'd get was "i missed you".

we jumped from "us" to "just friends" in five seconds flat. it devastated me and for the last three years i've thought that he just didn't take the idea of us seriously. when i asked him about it yesterday, he told me, "as if i was one who'd bare his feelings."

so he cared. a lot. a real whole lot.

the time i spent with him saturday evening gave me the knowledge that i deserve better, the feeling that i'd get love from someplace else, the resolve to move on.

finally.

* * *

thanks pam. thank you very much.

i don't believe in love anymore. either that or it just does not happen to people like me.

is this karma? have i taken relationships too lightly in the past that now i am paying with this one?

want so much to tell him -- it doesn't get any better than this. you had me from day one. i loved you like i have never loved anyone, have trusted you, and taken the good with the bad. but please don't take me for granted. please treat me like someone you care for instead of some groupie.

instead, i end up staring at my cellphone willing it to light up with a message from him.

and it stays really silent and really quiet. i check the signal -- four bars. i check the battery -- four bars.

nothing's wrong with my phone. but something's wrong with me.

* * *

i have tried looking at it from every angle and i still come up with one line -- i'm in a lose-lose situation.

stupid.

* * *

one of my favorite students is leaving for the states to take up her master's degree in education. this was the same student who once looked at her teacher with glazed eyes. this was the same student who would cut classes when the urge hit.

am so so proud of her.

sunday evening we're having dinner together.

reminder to self: get her a gift.

* * *

talked to cutie kindergarten teacher today. spent half our meeting fantasizing how our kids would look like.

one hour not spent thinking about him. good enough for me.

my bestfriends are alive!

papao texted me this morning and told me he passed the pharmacy boards in canada. he'll be leaving in october with his girlfriend who also passed the boards.

wow. to think his lola was panicking when he was in college -- anong gagawin mo sa pharmacy? mercury drug?

was so happy to hear from papao that i texted carol - hi! miss you!

we're the weirdest best friends, i guess. we met in grade five, hated each other, became classmates again in fourth year and became best friends. that was the only time we spent together. we went to two different universities and we've always worked in different zip codes. maybe it's cause we've been friends since high school but i can't talk to her about personal stuff. when i left home for the first time, it wasn't her that i turned to. most of my "trills" problems have been unloaded on different people.

but carol has given me something really good to feel about -- the knowledge that anytime, anywhere, if i really needed someone, she'd come running.

maybe i haven't just "abused" this privilege. maybe i should.

i miss talking to her.

* * *

had a really bad fight with him yesterday. we were sending the most awful of text messages. and he refused to pick up the phone ... don't want to talk, not yet.

it's the same thing over and over and over again. and i keep coming back for more.

i must be really just stupid.

do i just give him more space? wilma, my physics goddess roommate, gave me really good advice -- you've been together two and a half years. he has a life, you have a life. he can't really be bothered texting you every single detail that happens to him. you shouldn't be bothered and instead you should be studying. there are so many people to meet, to talk to, to spend time with. when you both have time, you make the most of it. but while you're apart, don't think of how it might be like if he were there cause he's not. think of how you can make the most of it. you just know each other too well already. you don't have to please each other. you're comfortable.

most likely she's right. he's the type who'd rather be alone. he'd crank up his cd player and listen to carole king and miles davis and the cure in one day while devouring milan kundera. he can sleep like a log for 24 hours, taking an eating break somewhere after the twelvth hour. he can live without me, but chooses to stay, to help me grow and figure out myself.

maybe i should learn from him. maybe i should learn how to enjoy myself instead of making people love me.

because in the end, it's better to work on being that loveable person that worry how to make people love you.

* * *

i'm a firm believer of advertising. i will give anything i see on television or hear on the radio at least one try.

that's how i opened my first serious bank account with far east.

and that's how, last night, i discovered the wonders of the tide dual action cleaning power.

let my just tell you how amazing it is.

remember the ariel magicare thingee? well, it's something like it but it comes with a rubber pad where you put the clothes you will scrub on. for P70, i got the plastic scrubber, the rubber pad, and 12 sachets of tide with bleach.

yesterday, for one hour, i washed around 2 1/2 weeks worth of underwear and socks. while doing it, i was able to do free advertising for tide in the dorm. they were all amazed.

so i'm thinking, if i don't pass law, i can work as a promo girl in SM. i believe i'm effective as one -- people at the dorm now are contemplating on buying their own tide care system.

* * *

had the most awful dream last night --

was in the college secretary's office when they told me that i actually failed insurance ... that the teacher decided to change my grade and all that. someone handed me the bluebooks and pointed out how i'd gotten really awful grades on my exams and how i should have failed in the first place.

my grade should've been a 3.5 ...

that was the dead giveaway. i woke up. UP gives 5's, UAP hands out 3.5's. hah. beat the evil nightmare-maker monster on that one.

* * *

i just hope it's not a bad omen of things to come. corpo midterms on august 21.

* * *

no one wanted to support my thesis campaign. they all said that i should be writing thesis anyway. why should they shell out for lunch? at the rate i eat, they said, i'd leave them all broke.

'di na nga masyado,eh. ate minda at the dorm went up to me this morning and told me, pumapayat ka, rosa.

yipee! yahoo! losing weight in spite of the fact that i devoured 17 pieces of goya crown chocolates yesterday afternoon.

pero ok lang yon... it was the last thing i ate for that day.

* * *

mama's leaving soon, for good. i'm starting to miss her already.

everyone's forcing me to finish my thesis. i know i have to do it. but cut me some slack, please?

bb is blaming law school why i haven't gotten around to writing my thesis ... but see, art, rene, gilbert, amy, tinette, lisa, manny, audrey, john-d, eva, and all the rest of the MALE people didn't get around to doing their thesis.

i, on the other hand, am in 3rd year law school.

so there. if i didn't do law school, i'd be in the same boat. stuck here with no choice but to do their every whim. as of now, i have the whole world ahead of me, ready for me to explore.

but don't worry, RA and vanvan and tartar, will do it. am planning to take fridays off just to get that done and over with.

betting you all a good lunch at pancake house that i'll finish my thesis by november 1.

if i win, you all feed me. if i lose, i all feed you, sky's the limit.

call?

* * *

yay ... have 7 tutees and i like all of them.

good good kids. kawawa lang sila they have evil me for their mentor. they might all end up quack teachers.

* * *

vanvan's been asking me to do SSP - shameless self promotion. was depressed over the oh-so-few people who read my blog. according to her, i should start visiting other people's message boards, tell them i've linked them to my blog, then leave my blog's address.

nah.

* * *

wonder how he'd react if he read this.

* * *

if you had a hundred bucks and you were a student of ua&p, you'd be able to buy ...

1. ten examination booklets
2. a roast beef, mashed potatoes, mixed vegetables lunch at the caf
3. a tall frapuccino from starbucks pearl drive
4. 1/20th of a unit (@P2,000 per unit)
5. three big bags of v-cut from quick-pick'
6. four super special siopaos

* * *

if you had a hundred bucks and you were a student of up, you'd be able to buy

1. 30 examination booklets
2. lunch for four people from the coop or two tapsilogs from rodic's
3. ten coffee-cream-sugar cups from the vendo machine
4. 1/3 of a unit (@P200 per unit)
6. 200 fishballs from manong
7. six super special siopaos

did i not post anything yesterday? i distinctly remember posting ...

but then again, vanvan reminded me i went home early yesterday cause i was mad.

oooohhhhhhoooohhhh...

* * *

if (put someone's name here) had a blog ...

if RA had a blog, he'd talk about teaching and how tired he is and how he loves mau and how his baby is the cutest kid in the entire universe.

if vanvan had a blog, she'd discuss her disappointments with the real world, and how stuff's not following the system.

if tsang had a blog, she'd tell everyone what to do. period.

if jonjon had a blog, he'd be speaking in tongues.

if nini had a blog, she'd be giving fashion advice to everyone -- the right color of lipstick, the perfect pair of shoes, etc.

if he had a blog, he'd rave about the jerks and will proceed to list all of the movies, books, etc. to acquire.

if lust crush had a blog ... nah, he's not the type.

if tpie had a blog, it'll be all about anime.

if rosros had a blog, it'll be all about the incompetence of the ASG ... and we're not talking abu sayaff here.

if bad idea had a blog, he'd curse everyone.

* * *

if you're not in the list, so so sorry.

* * *

sarap sarap sarap sarap ng brownie ni tpie. it's the kind that melts in your mouth. so imagine really moist hunk of chocolate-y goodness melting in your mouth like a really good leche flan. the fudge on top is so sinful that you feel the need to go to confession ...

aaaahhhhh. had two small ones yesterday. had a big fat slice today. aaaaahhhhh.

* * *

i'm really unhappy (read this, boss RA) about the way they decided yesterday over Carl's pull-out. manifestly unfair. it's their version of judicial legislation.

grrrrr.

* * *

don't you just hate it when your really really favorite blogs don't post as fast as you want them to? it's like an addiction. you crave for the latest tidbit they have to offer, wanting to read more about what they have to say, and then after waiting for a really long time for the page to upload on your screen, you read yesterday's post, something that you have read five million times already.

am pathetic. either that or the people who write lawbooks are really boring.

was thinking ... what if law books came in the form of blogs? or what if my students papers and journals were blogs that they post everyday? maybe i wouldn't be as behind in checking as i am now.

but then again, one thing about these people i love to read is that they're amazing writers and they lead really interesting lives. some can even make a trip to the parlor really interesting.

had another happy day yesterday : ) ...

so after my really brief stint at the internet cafe yesterday, i went around the mall for a while. decided to get a copy of the latest cosmo philippines, and read about pia guanio while eating ...

anyway ... we met up at four, shopped for some snacks and headed over to his place to have a movie marathon. we got to watch half of a johnny depp movie when we couldn't stand the bad sound anymore -- it was a cheap tape from video city that they had on sale and johnny depp sounded drunk the whole time.

so we just talked and talked and talked.

the simplest things in life can make you happy.

* * *

got a cute pink jacket yesterday. really cheap. now i'm hoping it rains a bit tomorrow so i can wear it.

* * *

yawn ... i'm so booooorrrriiiinnnnggg.

waiting used to be an awful chore for me ... well, not anymore.

now, my butt's happily parked in front of a computer terminal with internet access while waiting 4 p.m. to roll by. figured it would be cheaper for me to head on to the mall and blog than to go home after the dental appointment and wait for two hours before i leave again.

now i don't really know how sound the idea is. i'm awfully hungry but i hate eating alone. was planning on buying a book from the sale rack at national so i can eat somewhere (i need a book so it's like i'm with someone) but there was nothing good. planned on walking around and checking out the stuff on sale here but was faint with hunger.

so i ended up here. do i order food? but food usually sucks at places like this.

* * *

ang pangit ng keyboard nila! so if this post sports a lot of typos, well then, it ain't my fault at all ... blame it on the faulty keyboard!

* * *

dentist was ok ... he was big and had this really funny accent and if i didn't know any better i wouldn't have trusted my mouth and teeth to him.

* * *

i think i'm logging out now ... to faint with hunger to even think of anything to post!

saturday at home ... bliss.

thank god for the upcat. up's making money once more out of the legions of filipinos who are hoping to get in the premiere university ... either that or the economy's really bad and they want to make it into a school where the tuition fee's a measly P300 per unit.

* * *

i remember when i myself took the exam in 1993 (tanda ko na!) ... i was scheduled to take it on the last session -- sunday afternoon -- and i was pretty much resigned on studying the whole weekend. my favorite ninong was here with his entire family (on vacation from the states) and they were going to tagaytay and spend the entire saturday there with EVERYONE! my mom asked me "sa tingin mo ba makakapagaral ka kapag iniwan ka namin?"

what was she thinking? i'd be flat in bed sleeping, most likely! anyway, i think she knew that so i got to go with them.

on the day of the exam, i was a wreck.

i was seated next to a girl from pisay (philippine science high school) who was applying for the same course as i was. i was halfway into the math part when i spied her unwrapping the sandwich she had with her.

GAWD, i thought, if this is the kind of people i'd find in that course then i'm as good as dead.

i just consoled myself with the thought that some UP unit would accept me ... after all, i'm not that bobo naman.

* * *

i got into MBB ... only to leave it a year later.

* * *

dental appointment at 11:30. i'm one of the few people in the world who actually likes dentists. freaky but true.

except that now that i'm working, the dental office became a bit scarier -- i'm scared that i may not be able to pay for the treatments.

ok ... it's like this. my mom has always brought us to the dentist regularly -- i got the whole shebang: twice yearly visits, flouride treatments, cleaning, etc, etc. everything but braces (only because i didn't need them, lucky me!!!) even all the way up to college, my mom would make sure that our teeth were well taken cared of.

of course when you start working, you have to start paying for it. never realized how expensive it was.

a lot of things become expensive when you start paying for it -- your school supplies, your tuition fee, underwear, shampoo, conditioner, soap, groceries, extraderm. basic stuff, yes, but so so so important in keeping you look halfway human and still part of the world.

however, unlike all the other stuff that you can charge to your credit card or save for, that toothache will just strike when it feels like it.

that awful pain in your mouth will strike when you only have P2500 left in your payroll account and P50 in your wallet, and still need to buy a P600 book for succession plus nowhere near having saved up money for next semester's tuition.

darn.

thank god for mommies who are willing to lend you money fo the dentist. mommies who wouldn't lend you money to buy that gorgeous shoe on sale, or that amazing pair of pants, but more than enough money to pay for dental fees.

i love my mom.

oh me oh my ... so what happened to my "offer it up to god" theme.

sorry for the outbursts of profanity. sorry, god.

will be better.

* * *

i can't believe that people are actually more worried about me now, at least more than before, since they've started reading my blog. the foundation day problems were getting to me already but the outbursts had to be cut short because of teaching duties. then i found out from veevee a.k.a vanvan that RA was worried about me and how ok i am (or not ok) inside. he thought i'm one messed up kid.

they're all worried -- cause they read about all my problems and hang-ups and issues in my blog.

they read about my parents, my relationships, my law school troubles and all that and they feel sympathy towards me ... something that years of evil stares and rantings have not achieved.

wow.

* * *

instant karma last wednesday -- our presentation during the dorm's acquaintance party was the most kulelat ... revenge of "bangs"

* * *

have movie marathon with him tomorrow.

goody.

* * *

might finally get threading done later ... goody

* * *

might finally finish checking papers today. goody goody goody.

thursdays are bad for me, especially with the observations followed by a three-hour class.

* * *

hate bb.

she makes me head, then she makes all the decisions.

sheeeeeee - yeeeeeeettttttt!

you make someone a head cause you trust her to call the shots, cause you know that she's capable of seeing things through till the end. if you do not trust that someone, then go do the thing yourself.

GO DO THE FUCKING THING YOURSELF!

* * *

now that i've written that down, i'm feeling better... not.