this is really bad ...

as i was attempting to finish my IPL exam last night, i played this song over and over and over again ...

Wondering, waiting for the day to fade away
So I can hold you once again and chase the fears away

Lie with me
Show me how you feel
I'm falling for you deeper everyday

When the night turns over
I'll lie with you
When the morning wakes you
I'm there by you
When the daylight takes you
I'll miss you
Til you come back home to me
And I can make you mine oh mine

Wanting you
Every waking moment I'm on fire (I'm on fire)
Always needing you
I'm aching for you only I'll never tire

Promise me
This is how we'll be
I'm falling deeper everyday

When the night turns over I'll lie with you
When the morning wakes you
I'm there by you
When the daylight takes you
I'll miss you til you come back home to me
When you come back home to me

I'll break you
I'll chase you
You'll find that you can't stand to be away
Not for a day (not for a day...)
Oh and when life defies you
I'll be the soul
You'll never go astray...
And you'll be mine, mine, mine, mine, mine...

(Fly with me, loose reality)
I'm falling deeper everyday
So when the night turns over
I'll lie with you
And when the morning wakes you
I'm there for you
When the daylight takes you
I'll miss you
Til you come back home to me
And I can make you mine
When the night turns over
I'll lie with you
When the morning wakes you
I'm there by you
When the daylight takes you
I'll miss you til you come back home to me
And I can make you mine mine, mine, oh mine
Oh mine...

-Make You Mine (The Corrs)

* * *

nagayuma na ako ...

in spite of my "official statement" along the lines of "anong akala ng girlfriend niya, aagawin ko siya? kanyang-kanya na si pmpj!", here i am thinking of him, wondering why he hasn't texted or anything yet ...

jeez. from the frying pan into the fire.

* * *

successfully managed to get through yesterday -- thesis, corpo, and all. i did manage to bug my roommate though while she was sleeping -- at one in the morning, i dragged my heavy chair across the floor for no reason. chalk it up to brain failure. my mind refused to work already. rolled out of bed this morning feeling i had just gotten in it a few minutes earlier.

one of these days my body's going to give in to the abuse. unfortunately, the stress, lack of proper meals, and all still has to reflect itself on my body -- still have to lose weight.

* * *

weight ... grrrr. maybe this is the reason why i'm frustrated with the entire rey history. right before we started dating, i had managed to lose enough weight to wear a tube on new year's day (i would like to think i looked quite hot that day!) it must've been my 10:30 brunch with bestest ex ... to be followed by coffee at 8 p.m. already.

when rey and i started dating, we'd usually visit nice eating places -- he loved showing me around then, and being the kind of person who'd rather spend her money on clothes, shoes and bags than food, i've never really bothered with restaurants until then. oh my ... i gained and gained and gained!

eventually, i did manage to lose weight but not as much as i did when i was with bestest ex.

maybe thinking of pmpj plus finals week plus thesis plus making grades, plus missing sleep, plus working with bb will be able to do that ... all those and not going out with rey anymore.

not a bad motivation. not bad at all.

* * *

by the way, this was the "blog" i wrote last sunday when i was ready to slash my wrists out of boredom.

September 29, 2002 … no internet connection in the dorm, typing this hoping to upload it tomorrow ….

* * *

I should be ….

… finishing the corpo coverage. sir jacinto wants to finish the coverage by Wednesday which means no more classes next week. I should recite soon, really, as I have not stood up to be grilled since my awful recitation right before midterm exams. I need a better recitation soon, I just hope it comes when I’ve prepared like crazy for it.

… doing my IPL exam. Amador gave us a take home exam last September. I only really started working on it last Thursday, half-heartedly attempted to work on it last night before going to a birthday party, and photocopied materials this morning in the library. I have no idea how I’m going to argue for my stand.

… writing my thesis. I have great sources (thank you gods of the library for pointing out the right books to me!) and I know all I have to do is put my arguments together. BB and I talked last Friday and she seemed sufficiently impressed with the direction my thesis is going, as opposed to the lousy excuse of a paper I submitted end of August. Am forcing myself to do this properly now, as I know I have been given a second – and most likely last – chance at this by BB by extending my deadline.

… buying new contacts. I have extended my contact lenses way beyond their life span already but I’ve been crazily spending my money on things I don’t really need, or should even be spending for. I could be in SM North right now …

* * *

hey, SM north might not be a bad idea … I do need a codal to finish the IPL exam, and I can get my contacts there … and it’s only one jeep ride away … hmmmmm…

* * *

for the first time this semester, I stayed in the dorm over the weekend. It’s a blessing of sorts that wilma’s not here … sometimes we get started talking … and she starts telling me stuff I don’t really want to hear.

Picture this: me tired from 8 hours of work and two and a half hours of corpo, plus all the commuting and stuff, only for her to say, “You’re the only law student I know who sleeps soundly at night.”

GRRRRRRR.

I know I sleep a lot, even by normal people standards. I’ve been raised by a mother who believed that no matter what the requirement you ought to finish, exam you have to cram for, if you’re sleepy, you are not to drink coffee, or lipovitan, or red bull … you sleep. It’s your body’s way of telling you that you ought to rest already, and that subsequent work done will be substandard. So I have learned to sleep when sleepy, never mind if I’m in a bus or jeep. So far, I’ve survived. No major failing marks, even graduating with stellar grades if I may say so myself.

Hah.

* * *

was with rey yesterday in the party…

… dunno really what’s ahead. It was nice spending time with him again, holding his hand, leaning against his chest. But part of me feels like I’m holding on to something that’s not mine already, and that he just feels he owes me something, given the years we’ve spent together. He introduces me still as his girlfriend, and last time we talked about this, he told me to take it easy, he’ll come around and things may get back to “normal” but until then, I’d have to be patient. He assured me that he cares, but he doesn’t want to think about the “love” stuff yet …

ooohhhh.

talo ko pa ang may ka-date na 16-year-old

* * *

still haven’t decided what to do … could get my nails done but I vowed to myself that I’ll save money … chatting with pmpj via text has not been kind to my cellphone billing. Shopping likewise everytime I felt like it has resulted in more than half of this pay period’s money being used to pay mom for extension card charges and my own card’s charges.

Ooohhhh.

don't ask ...

had a nice surprise at eleven last night, but don't ask.

but don't ask me to wipe off the stupid grin on my face either. it comes with the territory.

* * *

unfortunately, the smile has nothing to do at all with rey. so pam, he's still a problem.

but it's ok ... have a new friend... pmpj.

* * *

weird how the people who offend you the most, or the people who you want to kill with your bare hands less than a week ago end up someone you enjoy talking to.

either that, or i'm just a poor judge of character.

* * *

who would've thought that this would turn out to be a good monday morning?

in spite of the stuff i have to do, i feel quite happy today.

top that off with a surprise message from my brother wishing me good luck on my IPL exam.

wow.

* * *

am paying the price for going out last night ... crammed thesis revision this morning, and dunno how i'll manage to do IPL exam tomorrow given that i have a school visit in the morning and a meeting with CCT re my thesis at 2.

uh-oh ... and to think that last night two people texted me about the exam ... lust crush was one of them, boasting "tapos na 'ko exam."

inggit ako.

* * *

but at least i read for corpo yesterday ... finished the entire chapter on dissolution -- WITH NOTES! -- and was actually getting warmed up on my thesis when the surprise arrived.

if i could only hate myself for going out... but no, i actually enjoyed it.

was so much in a hurry that i left an open bag of chicharon on my study table. kamusta na kaya yung chicharon?

spent friday night visiting the dead ...

the only highlight of it was me pathetically checking my phone every ten minutes or so for a message from pmpj ...

message finally arrived AFTER i left the wake. he was going to drop by the dorm. fine. would've been the perfect opportunity for me to give him a piece of my mind over the gf fiasco...

... but he looked so nice (well, as nice as you can expect him to look ... ) and he was "caring" in the sense that the first thing he asked was how my day was and all and whether the freaky mark that appeared on my chin was still there (no more, thank god) ... told him off for a grand total of five minutes and that was it ... had the nicest conversation with him afterwards.

darn. so much for my resolve.

* * *

but i did get to see rey yesterday ... and we're going to a friend's wife's birthday party tonight with bad idea ... maybe, just maybe. keep your fingers crossed.

* * *

is this what quarter life crisis really means? not being able to let go, dating all the wrong (and attached!) guys, and cramming a semblance of a career plus school? i don't get it -- or me -- sometimes. maybe it's karma, or maybe it's me making all the wrong decisions.

sometimes, i think i'm missing out on fun stuff -- going out, drinking, having crazy fun -- stuff that i'd have time to do if only i weren't in law school. come to think of it, i haven't stopped schooling since i entered it in pre-school. first there was college -- even took summers to make up of for the MBB units that i lost -- then grad school, then law school. friends from work have stopped inviting me to go out with them cause i'm too busy with law. friends from law have stopped inviting me cause i'm too busy with work. then there's my masteral thesis to contend with ...

should i even be doing all these?

* * *

but, really, god forbid that i should get married, pregnant, and give up all of my dreams anytime soon. not yet.

married, yes. pregnant now, no. give up my dreams, never.

* * *

j, a former student and someone who reads this for 'entertainment' wants to be guest blogger ... i'll post it as soon as he sends me something.

very few things bother me these days ... must've been the UP education or the way some use religion as an excuse to pry into your personal life ... however, yesterday, on my way home, i had two awful experiences.

#1
was seated on the first seat of the bus' right side. when the bus stopped at a red light in santolan, a thin policeman knocked at the driver's window. the driver opened the window, then the policeman greeted him "good evening, boss."

i was like, wow, himala yata 'to.

but, true to form, he proved me wrong. walang himala! the policeman then went on to point to the sapang palay signboard of the bus and said that it was a violation of sorts and it would cost him P375 if it got to the authorities. i must've heard him mention P375 ten times. when the driver refused, indicating that he'd rather get a ticket to get it done and over with, the policeman walked away, with the license, without having issued the driver a ticket. poor conductor had to race after the policeman, only to come back with the license, less some hundred or so pesos.

#2
still bothered with THAT incident, i got off at Philcoa only to witness the MMDA doing their sidewalk cleaning thing. vendor's carts, wares, and other paraphernalia were being hurled into what seemed like a garbage truck. amidst the noise you could hear people saying "maawa na po kayo" ... i felt bad for them. i've always thought that the move was inhumane. but then again how else would we be able to enforce the no jaywalking law if the sidewalks are filled with vendors?

ooohhhh.

all of a sudden, my boy problems seem so trivial ... and quite dumb.

* * *

got another sms from new crush a.k.a. p.m.p.j. - "gd nt"

didn't bother replying.

not after my blockmate told me how he has apparently been cheating on his gf and the only reason why she told the gf about p.m.p.j. texting me was to "protect" her friend from yet another episode of infidelity.

not after lust crush's first reaction after i told him about the incident was "didn't he tell you he had a gf?"

apparently, it's become a regular thing for him.

why oh why do i get tangled up with stuff like this? men.men.men. i wish i could have told him to back off to begin with, but then again, he wasn't doing anything funny. it seemed like he just wanted

taga mo 'to sa bato -- will never EVER ever go out with anyone from sigma rho.

mga gago silang lahat!

* * *

two messages arrived while i was asleep -- both from rhosigs.

the first was from my favorite seatmate. it was a funny message about dating the wrong guys while waiting for the right ones. ha.ha.

the second was from my new crush -- he was asking if i told anyone about us going out.

i did blog about it, but ANG KAPAL NG MUKHA NIYA, HA!

i gave him a piece of my mind at 6:45 in the morning.

first, it's not something i'd brag about. kung si aquil tamano ka, yes, will tell the world, will even call my lola in canada to tell her the good news. gwapo yon, eh, matipuno, magandang pamilya. YOU are NOBODY. bastos ka pa nga minsan eh. mabait lang talaga ako sa api.

second, you have a girlfriend. i have no plans of her walking up to me in UP, giving me the evil eye before pulling my hair, kicking me in the shin, and slapping me crazy. yes, i like sharon cuneta, but i have no plans to reenacting one of her scenes in law school.

third, i don't kiss and tell. i'm open but i do not share sordid details of my relationships with other people. my best friend doesn't even know who i've kissed! why would i tell a blockmate?

fourth, i have a reputation to protect. people may see me as mataray and bitchy and evil at times, but a lot still believe i'm sweet and caring and thoughtful. i work for people who see holding hands as a violation worthy of a suspension from work!

so don't worry ... if anyone finds out about this, it'll most likely have come from you.

* * *

and one more thing, if you don't trust the people you go out with, i suggest you don't even begin to plan to cheat on your girlfriend in the future.

* * *

now that THAT's out of the way ...

commuted to UP with bad idea again last night. yay.

* * *

my birthday is five months and seven days away ... but i already know what i want. this.

p.m.p.j., if you want me to forgive you for the stupid accusations you hurled at me this morning, then you know what to do now.

day 4 ... nothing from rey at all, not even a missed call or a blank message ...

and no, he's not prepaid so he does not have an excuse.

am proud that i haven't given in yet to the temptation of sending a message first, at least not yet. i have contemplated hurling my cellphone against the wall, turned it off countless of times yesterday, shook it madly lest it had cobwebs preventing the messages from arriving.

* * *

in honor of my new crush, i have changed all my passwords ... am using his christian name.

pathetic, really, as its another unrequited like thing but then again i did get a nice "gd nt" (that's 25 centavos a letter, jeez. he could have said "am madly in love with you" or "rosa i'm thinking of you as i go to sleep" or some crap like that to make the peso worth it but it's much better than not having texted at all).

* * *

new SED baby ... M.A.B.L ... congratulations RA!

* * *

rosa = loser.

i texted him.

stupid.

* * *

rosa = loser

i asked vanvan to help me play a prank on new crush. new crush fell for it. new crush now calling vanvan to figure out who she is.

stupid.

* * *

rosa = loser

have an inch worth of campos to read for corpo class. obviously, am not doing it.

stupid.

* * *

rosa = loser

when rey replied, i asked him if he'd want to go out before finals week. it's not like i have a lot of time to spare -- still working on ipl midterms, oct 5 transpo finals, oct 10 succession finals, oct 14 corpo finals, who knows when ipl finals due?!?!

stupid.

darn ... typed something earlier ... AND IT APPARENTLY GOT LOST!

* * *

ako yata ang na-gayuma ... have never been in crush this way, at least not since rey.

now i'm thinking about him every free minute i get ... and every free minute i create!

the sad thing is that my other crushes are definitely more crush worthy than him, at least in the looks department. but now i'm craving his company, the amazing conversations we had, the funny faces he'd make while driving, his awful impersonation of an a.m. deejay ...

* * *

no, will not fall in love or something stupid like that. he has a girlfriend for crying out loud.

am sleepy ... i think i need loads and loads of coffee and a good whack in the head.

* * *

why?

cause i stayed out all night long

haven't done that in a long time, but it felt great. have not read for corpo, brain might not work to accomplish all the work that i've been putting off, but what the heck, am a happy cow once more.

if you really think about it, it's kinda shallow if my mood has turned just because of a date (well, not really a date, but ... )

* * *

he arrived at 8, due to the flash flood at katipunan. he never got to the frat party at all -- we had dinner at kfc (he remembered it was my favorite ... awwww!) and coffee and cake at gayuma ...

we had so much fun talking that i once more missed the curfew.

instead of heading back home and facing the wrath of a sleeping security guard, we went to a 24-hour place where he watched over me as i attempted to study corpo. it was a failed attempt -- we ended up talking, and talking, and talking.

fell asleep in car while waiting for dorm to open at 6, took a really cold bath, and headed out to work. was here at 7:30 a.m. ...

weird how after a really long night you end up at work earlier than usual.

* * *

in coffee shop light, he reminds me a ricky davao.

in kfc light, he reminds me of someone who used to train me in fencing.

in 6 a.m. light, he just reminds me a tired person who stayed up all night with a locked out dormer ...

* * *

but the illusion has to end today. his girlfriend's coming back. girlfriends do not appreciate new-found female friends.

* * *

something to think about from libre . . .

HINDI KA NA BA NIYA MAHAL

ni Gaby Camacho

*condensed version

Paano mo malalaman kung wala nang natitirang pag-ibig para sa iyo sa puso niya? Ito ang mga warning signs:

Hindi na ba niya sinasagot ang mga text mo?
Aya na ba niyang makipag-holding hands sa'yo?
Hindi ka na ba niya sinusundo?
HIndi ka na rin ba niya hinahatid?
Late na ba siya lagi sa date niyo?
Masyado na ba siyang busy pa sa'yo?
Bihira na ba siya magsabi ng "I love you"?
Kapag tinatanong ma ba siya kung mahal ka pa niya, nagagalit siya?
Hindi na ba niya sinasabing maganda ka?
Mas gusto pa ba niya manood ng tv kaysa kausapin ka?
HIndi ka na ba niya dinadalhan ng bulaklak?
Hindi na ba niya ginagawa ang mga ginagawa niya noong nililigawan ka pa lang niya?
HIndi na ba siya malambing kahit man lang sa text?
Maikli na ba ang pasensya niya sa iyo?
Hindi na ba kayo nagtatawanan?
HIndi ka ba niya pinapakilala sa friends niya?
Bwisit ba siya sa friends mo?
Hindi na ba malambing ang boses niya sa'yo?
Mas mabait ba siya kapag kausap niya ang ibang tao?
Madalas ba siyang sumira ng plano?
Hanggang kanto na lang ba ang hatid niya sa'yo?
Kapag tinatanong mo ba siya kung magbi-break na kayo, ang sagot ba niya, "Ikaw?"
Hindi ka na ba niya sinasama sa mga handaan ng kanilang pamilya?
Madalas na ba siyang naglilihim sa iyo?
Hindi ka na ba niya pinapasalubungan?
Ayaw na ba niyang pinaguusapan ang future niyo?
Madalas na ba siyang umalis ng hindi ka kasama?
Hindi na ba siya nagseselos kahit anong gawin mo?
Habang kausap mo ba siya text siya ng text?
Hindi ka na ba niya namimiss?
Ikaw na lang ba ang laging nagyaya mag-date?
Kahit ba nagtatampo ka na hindi ka pa rin niya pinapansin?
Ano ang dapat mong gawin?
Ginaganyan ka na, lalambingin mo pa rin?
Palitan mo na. Bilis.

* * *

Gaby Camacho, i salute you ... you couldn't have pinpointed it any better.

* * *

six degrees of separation

amazing who knows who ...

found out about blogging through this site who posted something about lust crush. turns out she's good friends with lust crush. she's also good friends with this person who's with him who happens to by my comm2 teacher way back in college.

back to her ... one of her links pointed me out to my favorite blog. my favorite blog person studies here where rey works now.

yesterday started off on a not so good note but ended on quite a good note ... nice : )

* * *

finally saw the guy i've been exchanging text messages with yesterday evening. he texted while i was happily sprawled in bed at home ...

"got bitten by a dog. hu. hu."

this from a grown man of 28, formerly law representative to the university student council, formerly vice-archon of his frat, and quite a respectable lawyer at that.

he had to have injections, and the hospital just happened to be near where i lived. he picked me up from the house around 7:30, had dinner (i paid, lest the free food come with certain expectations) and coffee, and parted ways only when i needed to go to the bathroom and the coffee shop had no bathroom (WTF???).

at first, the conversation was quite ho-hum, the topic being something two people who don't really know each other shouldn't be talking about. but then we got talking about stuff we were passionate about -- him for the poor, me for the capitalists -- and so ...

hee.

we're seeing each other again later. he said he'll be passing by before he heads out to frat party.

* * *

rey is nowhere to be found ... no nothing.

good thing i'm having fun.

tama talaga si wilma -- be with rey, and be without him.

incidentally -- i did get to belt out a gloria gaynor song last tuesday ...

it was really weird. was tasked to pick out the songs our group had to sing. one of the three slips of paper said "i will survive" ...

uh-oh ... me, singing my national anthem in front of a crowd spelled disaster. good thing it was a song that had more to do with angst and passion (and current heart problems) than actual talent.

so i sang -- danced was more like it -- and made a fool out of myself.

* * *

got pissed at my kids yesterday... was all about a conference they want to attend but technically can't because of the one absence rule in practicum. lectured them on how they always think we don't want them to be happy ... blah ... blah ...

felt i went overboard. by 9 in the evening, was pissed at myself more than them.

*kids = students. have no plans of mothering my own anytime soon.

foundation day done and over with.

we met our target of a hundred participants and everything went quite smoothly -- seamless in her highness' terms -- although i must admit that vanvan's nerves were quite frayed by the time 5:00 came around. my feet hurt like crazy ...

but the thank you's and the smiles, and the wonderful comments (and compliments!) that we received at the end of the conference was well worth it.

* * *

was able to finish my speech : ) while dr. estanislao was talking i was typing away in a computer we stored in one of the back rooms of telengtan hall.

got a good laugh from the audience with my last line. : )

* * *

commuted to UP with bad idea ... was lucky enough to get in a nice bus (a rarity in EDSA) ... got to sort of snuggle next to him ...

* * *

am bad ... or do i just miss rey so much that i am craving any sort of affection (or a good imitation of it) from anyone.

rey's in legaspi ... he left this morning and will be back either tom or saturday. no chance of us seeing each other again this weekend. it's been almost a month.

i remember when saturdays used to be our sacred day ... we got together sometime between a saturday and a sunday. the following saturday was the day before the law aptitude exam but it didn't even matter -- we spent the afternoon walking around the mall (allegedly to buy a box of number 1 pencils for the exam), having coffee, and attempting to finish the pile of reviewers i got from a friend.

we never missed a saturday date -- black saturdays included. there was one time when he arrived from hong kong where he attended a conference in the morning, and he went to visit me in the evening so we can have dinner -- a nice leisurely dinner the night before my labor law midterms.

he missed his first saturday last november 2001 -- they were busy solving an "ED" problem (a co-faculty member who was cheating on his wife by dating a student who it turned out was cheating on her boyfriend. jeez)

after that, it was easy for him to miss saturday dates. it was one of the many reasons why we eventually broke up.

* * *

my feet still hurt.

but got a gift certificate for a pair of shoes from cardams ...tomorrow afternoon will be spent shopping with a student (it's my version of our tutorial chats -- shopping) since she also has a gift certificate.

am thinking of getting a nice pair of brown boots ...

it says in the gc that i get a pair of shoes AND THERE'S NO PRICE LIMIT! ... it's like giving me a blank check, except that there's a one-shoe limit. that's where the idea of boots came from -- value for your money. rather, the giver's money.

i am pathetic...

have to finish conference speech, eat breakfast, run downstairs ... but no, i'm wasting time blogging.

* * *

darn.

no seeing rey anymore ... darn.

hate PEN Conference
hate CIVASIA
hate that whatchamacallit POL summit on saturday

hate every reason that comes up that makes him cancel our plans.

* * *

but then again, he just beat me to cancelling out.

* * *

video-ke showdown at three. hee!

prize is a pair of shoes.

i may be tone-deaf and couldn't sing to save my life but this is a free pair we're talking about. if i have to belt out gloria gaynor later, then so be it.

* * *

video-ke showdown's the only fun thing about foundation day. rosros got operated on last saturday, tartar gave birth, and vanvan is currently down and out. her highness is dictating what she wants at the 11th hour. how awful could this be?

nothing in the mall beckoned to me yesterday -- except for this nice EXPENSIVE blouse at the black shop. went home empty handed.

not only that, went home without my cheap but really nice umbrella too.

darn.

* * *

rey and i are seeing each other on tuesday ... that's the night before the big day -- FOUNDATION DAY ...

i dunno if that'll do good for me or i'd just end up really sleepy on wednesday but what the heck ...

went to my very first barops last night. am in third year law ... i thought i better rack up some good karma.

last transpo class (thank you GOD!!!) ended at 5:30. our ride was supposed to arrive at that time, but traffic prevented him from arriving on time. ended up taking jeep to katipunan and having dinner at kfc (my second absolute favorite next to pancake house) ... ride finally arrived at 9:00 p.m.

anyway, we got to sycip around 9:30 and ended up being stuck in conference room j (doing nothing!) until 12 m.n. the only task i performed? navigating for people.

* * *

my mom has always said that i had a gift for directions ... last night proved it. was able to map out a path for the deliveries that hayle and her husband for the qc area and was able to navigate kris to the two hotels in manila we had to make deliveries to.

am good.

in case my job's in peril again, i could contemplate being a taxi driver.

but then again, it's my driving's that's the problem.

* * *

had my fill of lapid's chicharon last night while waiting for the stuff we have to deliver. yummy.

have to atone for my sins.

maybe tomorrow. hee.

* * *

am flat broke ... and since i "treated" myself to new rockport shoes (so so manang black shoes -- semi-round toe black sling-backs) i have to REALLY save so that i can choke up tuition and book money for second semester.

except that my mom told me that there's a sale in festival mall. and i BELIEVE i need a new blouse for foundation day on tuesday. *grin*

since my mom's not taking me to the dorm today and my brother's willing to take me only as far as alabang by car ... well then .. hehehe ... have an excuse to "pass" by mall and "check out" clothes.

if my already overworked credit card makes its way out of my wallet and onto the counter ... i have no liability whatsoever!

* * *

miss rey.

miss him so much.

haven't heard from him since yesterday. but am not going to make him kulit.

yet another reason why i should go to the mall.

hate foundation day. hate tsang. hate the world.

the happiness has come to a complete halt.

* * *

i have no idea why people have to freak out when things aren't going exactly the way they want it (gasp! is this me talking?)

foundation day WAS doing quite ok, thank you. that is until tsang took it upon herself to be the logistics head. then she started bugging everyone, wanting to know details, wanting to bug printer, wanting to bug binder, wanting to bug me, vanvan, RA, rosros ... EVERYONE.

bad bad bad bad.

* * *

rey's back from tacloban. dunno if i will see him anytime soon though ... he's probably sprawled (and snoring madly!) in bed right now and it's highly unlikely that he'd be up to say hello to the outside world tomorrow (although i did invite him to dinner tomorrow night and he said he'll see -- much better than an outright no) ... next week he'd be in legaspi ...

but, the best thing about not seeing each other is that the little time we spend together becomes the most amazing two-hour dates in the world ... a little cuddling, hardly any kissing (I. WANT. MORE!!!), but the absolute best conversations. we don't fight anymore, and one always seems to give in to the other person.

* * *

it's amazing how in this day and age when we're generally cynical about people and their intentions, someone will do a good deed and bring back your faith in mankind.

people who read this were very concerned about me losing my job ... got email telling me i'm goig to be fine. but the best was an email from someone i wish i knew personally ...

she emailed me details of an internet account i can use so that i can continue blogging.

* * *

so, in spite of the hassles of work and school right now, i believe i'm the luckiest girl in the world ...

... my favorite newspaper person reads my blog
... rey's slowly coming around
... am friends with my crushes -- lust crush, bad idea, he-who-shall-not-be-named
... one of my favorite students is doing well in her MA in the US
... people WANT to attend our foundation day conference
... had dinner with my best friend last night

and ...

... boss rejected my resignation. am still employed!!!! (which means i'd be around blogging for a long time. ha!)

he!he! RA and vanvan teased me about it, saying that i just resigned cause i wanted to feel needed. hmmm ... whatever. basta.

fuck. shit. tangina.

will explain tom.

nag-hang yung computer na 'to

am pissed. been blogging for the last hour or so ... everything was lost. should hit the post and publish button more often.

* * *

so many things to blog about today ...

1. someone who emails me regularly claims to admire me. as a result, he promised to name his next pet after me. i don't know whether that's a compliment or not. imagine calling out "here, rosa! play dead!"




2. internet quiz i made about myself had surprising results. my best friend got 9 out of 10 right (no surprise) but j.a. from law got the next highest score. wow. i don't see these two people often but amazingly enough, they got much higher than those i hang out with every single day, eat lunch with, commute home with, etc. maybe they just listen more.




3. her highness is making things REALLY difficult for us. last night, she got 45 invitations and decided she wanted to send them to her DepEd friends, key people in the university, etc. we're left with barely enough to send to our REAL participants. so so so frustrating already. moreover, she wants our admin asst. to go out this afternoon IN A CAB and deliver some of the invitations. i don't really know how big a difference 24 hours will make, given that delivery is scheduled for tomorrow afternoon anyway - car reserved and everything. but NO ... she wants it today.



4. rey's in tacloban today ... he texted before he boarded the plane and as soon as it landed. aaaawwww ... miss him terribly.



5. which totally goes against the next thing i'm going to say ... something about bad idea ... something vanvan and RA would not approve of ... something kilig but should be kept outside of this page. he!he!he!

* * *

for unica hija ...

was quite an honor that you said i remind you of yourself... aaawww ...

* * *

my best friend is getting married.

aside from joel -- the lucky guy -- her sister, and a friend from the office, i'm one of the few ones who know.

given the really awful (and quite pathetic) signal that we get in up, especially inside the dormitory, i was trying to squeal, shout, be deliriously happy while attempting not to lose what little signal i had.

* * *

now, that got me thinking about my current relationship (or lack of it) with rey.

* * *

bb being god-awfully nice.

jeez.

ito ang kaso nang batuhin mo nang tinapay ang nagbato sa iyo ng bato

for the record, i'm freaking.

* * *

oh my god ... now we have more participants for the conference than we know what to do with. they're mad at us cause we can't give them slots anymore.

we had a 2-person limit per school, since we want a good mix of participants. unfortunately, since we're the only university that probably still has free conferences, schools have been bugging us to give them ten, fifteen, even twenty slots!

this is a small conference for a hundred people ... our budget is so small that we've been driving our suppliers nuts just trying to keep costs down. her highness said not to worry -- we can have as many people as we want so long as we tell them we can't feed them.

kahiya naman

* * *

which brings me to this teacher from ramon magsaysay high school who called asking if we still had slots available. apparently, she has a friend who works for FEU and she happened to see our invitation.

we gave her a slot ... she was very thankful.

here's the killer ... she asked if she should bring a packed lunch.

* * *

what's the big deal with the packed lunch? it's been the hardest thing in the world to get participants for in-house activities here. usually, the clincher is food -- we feed them, they come.

thus, imagine how my faith in teachers in particular and the world in general was revived when i heard about her.

was deathly afraid of going to work today as today would be the day where i'd have to face bb re: my resignation letter. hasn't been mentioned yet ... and i've been here for an hour already.

oohh.

* * *

raquel -- my older student -- gave birth to a baby boy. congratulations, dear.

* * *

if i blog less in the future, it's because i've lost my job already and can't afford internet anymore. i am in deep debt right now (owing to the fact that i wanted to invest in my wardrobe which would be rendered useless after october 31!) and it would take major budgeting skills to make it through the next six months ...

i am willing to be ...

... the person who sells MRT cards ... maybe i'll turn out to be a Sandra Bullock and the man of my dreams will save me from the drudgery of life.

... saleslady in body shop ... i love all of their products anyway, and am not bad in making myself look decent in the morning with the help of make-up.

... a personal shopper. i can do people's grocery shopping, christmas shopping, wardrobe shopping. am not picky. just give me a list and i'll take care of the buying.

... a typist. i type fast, really fast, with all the fingers in the right places. i can type without looking at the keyboard and this skill has saved my ass in a lot of deadlines.

please give me a job.

went out with rey today. turns out the surprise was a big tub of harry potter pens.

it was quite thoughtful ... i love pens, and i liked harry potter. he told me it was a choice between mickey mouse, winnie the pooh, and the harry potter ... am glad that he knew me enough to know which one to pick.

in fact everything in the paper bag he handed me showed he knew me -- and my mom -- perfectly well. there was west ice for mama and the tub of pens, ketchup fries, and bittersweet toblerone for me.

awwww ...

we met up at 6:30 and parted ways after the movie. in a perfect universe he would have invited me for another round of coffee so we can talk some more, share how the last two weeks went by, then he would have brought me home. but, since this is an imperfect world, i was perfectly satisfied with walking hand in hand with him around the mall, him giving up his jacket when i felt cold, and him giving me a quick kiss before saying goodbye.

there was a time when i would have looked for what he could have given me ... when i would have wanted more, more, more ... when i would have asked for the way it was before. but now, i realized that it would be no use wishing for the past to come back. the way we are now is a result of mistakes that we've both made, fights that have made our feelings towards each other more guarded, less trusting, more selfish.

i'm still waiting for that day when i can either say it's over for good, or when i can say that he's the one.

* * *

while we were deciding what movie to see, we bumped into bad idea. oooohhhh. they had the usual macho talk peppered with pare ... invited bad idea to stay with us while he waited for his friend but bad idea refused.

texted him but he didn't answer ... and to think this is the guy who can be counted on to reply.

in my perfect universe, he'd be fuming inside cause he saw me with rey and he realized he's missing a lot by not being with me.

in reality, he's probably just having the time of his life and can't be bothered with a message.

* * *

my mom seems very disappointed that i resigned. it seems as if i let her down.

if only for her i wish i could've kept my job.

except that that's just the way things go.

but, to spite bb, i'm going to do my fucking best to finish that thesis by october. screw her.

* * *

was reading one of my P20 pocket books when i stumbled across something that supports one of my theories aobut people. apparently jung believed in how society's norms and expectations led to certain repressions too, and how in repressing the undesirable behaviors some good behaviors get repressed accidentally. tourette's, one of the characters believed, is something that releases the undesirable behavior.

just passed my resignation. hurt like hell.

* * *

always thought that it was going to be easy. felt like everything i was doing now i was doing for the last time ... last time i'd get to laugh with my kids about the pearl project. last time i'd get to pile papers on my desk. last time i'd get to kid around with vanvan and tartar.

* * *

help.

my mom has been very supportive, and so has all the people i hold close to my heart ...

she phoned yesterday as i was winding up class. i excused myself and broke a rule when i took her call.

i explained to her that being threatened with job security is one thing i hate most.

i love my job (although i seem to complain a lot about it) and i love the kids more. i have given a lot to it, making sure that our department earns its keep. i spend long commutes along edsa thinking about work-related stuff. i force myself out of bed every morning (i love sleeping) to make it to work then struggle out eight hours later to go to law school. body aches, runny nose, and a broken heart have never been issues -- i go to work day in, day out.

bb has threatened me with my job so many times in the past. she's always told me that she loves me like a mother and that she's doing everything she can for me. but i can't believe her, not when most of my heartaches have been caused by her and her callous decisions.

my mom listened as i told her all these. and said, "ok, i trust your decision."

* * *

RA and vanvan and tartar have all attempted to hit me in the head, slam me against the wall, grovel in front of me, and done everything in their power to knock some sense into me -- stay, they all said.

if they were the only people in the office, i would, lack of renumeration notwithstanding.

* * *

best advice i got was from a classmate. he took me and a friend to dinner after class when he found out how awful a day i had.

"don't burn your bridges. take the part-time offer. use it to your advantage."

he reasoned out that if law school is my priority, then i would definitely need the money they will pay me.

* * *

on a lighter note, i have seen the most gorgeous creature in all of law --aquil tamano, sigma rho '92.

there i was thanking god balane didn't pick my card for recitation, feeling bad over the impending job loss, when this flawless (not kidding) guy walks by. he was tall, but not that tall, fair-skinned, and clean looking.

i fell in love in one swoop.

was with upsilon people so they said he'd be a bad idea though they gave me vital information -- he was the son of mamintal tamano, the former senator, and that he was a rhosig.

that resulted in a texting flurry to lust crush.

so, i found out that he was from ust law, was the student council president there, and that he was the basagulero type. he's taking the bar this year.

i am willing to be his slave for the next three sundays, a one-man bar ops. i will make his reviewers, scurry all over metro manila for tips, pack him lunch, make sure he has a jacket ready in case the rooms get too cold, use up all my money to supply him with starbucks, seattle's best, figaro coffee ... anything.

i might lose my job next semester.

* * *

it's been a cushy job ... allows me to do education stuff while taking up law. it pays ok ... allows me still to indulge in the stuff i want while paying for tuition and day-to-day expenses.

now that i'm about to lose it -- all because of a thesis -- i have mixed feelings about it. i'm at the verge of tears right now... i'm preparing for my class later but all i can think about is why now?

why now when my parents are equally unstable trying to settle down in the states?

why now when i've just turned down a job offer?

why now when i have actually started to do my thesis?

no fever still... runny nose has given way to the kind of cough that shakes your entire body and causes people to comment "happy new year" when they hear you. woke up feeling a bit better -- probably cause i refused to touch anything that had to do with law last night (although i did attempt to finish reading derivative suits ... i failed miserably.)

* * *

found out that rey's sick too. he was lucky enough that he could take the day off yesterday. but with foundation day and classes left and right, i can't afford not to be at work these days. i'm only hoping i can afford not to go to work on friday, except that some scheduling problems resulted in me having to do a school visit friday morning, then dinner with office people might finally push through. what i would give to be able to go on vacation right this minute ...

* * *

vacation would have to be somewhere where it's cool but not that cool ... i'd bring around five trashy novels, my most comfortable clothes, a really old but most beloved cd & cd player ... no cellphones, no email, no contact with anyone. no one to bug me about the progress i'm making with my thesis, the journals that i have not yet checked, the conflict with the number of people who'll be attending the 2 seminars and the conference ... no worries about grades in law school and impending recitations ... no issues regarding whether i have something to wear and whether i fit the laundry pick-up in my schedule. no issues with friends and co-workers and boy-lets ...

nothing ... just me and my trashy novels swinging in a really comfortable hammock while hooked onto my cd player.

bliss ...

* * *

met up with paolo yesterday before succession ... was feeling so sick that i was planning to spend an hour just sleeping on my desk till the teacher came but when he texted, it was too good an opportunity to give up. dragged my sick butt to chocolate kiss with him, forced him to sit it the smoking area (it was not air-conditioned there so it was quite pleasant for sick old me, awful for perfectly fine him) although neither of us smokes, and made small talk. again, he scolded me about my choice of men -- bad idea included -- and talked about his wonderful wonderful girlfriend. he said that he found her when he fixed himself and willed a better relationship to come into his life. he used to get sick-in-the-head kind of girls but this one seems to be a gem.

* * *

made a teeny-tiny mistake in what my teacher called a mini-midterm in succession. darn ... it was my only hope of ever getting a perfect score in a law school exam and i blew it -- was overly generous to illegitimate parents when i computed their legitime. darn.

* * *

i passed corpo ...not with flying colors but i passed. i made it a wee bit above the cut-off that he had set ... he graciously noted down my mistakes and how i should've answered some of them. i don't feel bad ... i feel relieved, actually. i think i understood it, although i could study some more, but he's my kind of teacher ... he makes me feel like a student, forces me to think about how much effort i've given the course and all that.

the happy girl of almost three weeks has fallen quite ill.

* * *

started the day yesterday sneezing like a possessed woman, tried to sleep it off last night by neglecting balane's readings and by not preparing for lecture i had to conduct today.

still woke up quite sick. very sick.

only problem is i don't -- or have not yet -- developed a temperature. in fact, i am quite cold to the touch and was able to conduct a three-hour lecture on the legal foundations of education.

so no one believes i'm sick. either that or it's all in the head.

but my nose is clogged, my head's heavy, and my knees are about to give way under me already.

* * *

these are the times when you just wish, pray, hope, and beg god to give you that special someone who will take care of you ... someone aside from your mom and dad, or your yaya, and will tell you that he will be there, even if you have the worst virus known to man, and will take care of you. someone who'll bring you soup and flowers, or your favorite cake just to make sure that you'll eat something ....

it'll come.

the best spooning does not lead to anything sordid, but rather lends itself to quiet conversations that allow those sublime reassurances that "i will always be here for you, no matter what the cost, in sunshine and deepest darkest storms, and i will never let you go alont." it lets intimacy bloom into a trascendental moment where being human is not a crime.

* * *

that was the result of a conversation i had with a classmate during transpo. he was listing five best things in the world and spooning was one of them.

* * *

rey's really surprising me these days. bring and early on sunday he texted me a good morning, then updated me sometime in the afternoon by telling me he was home already.

patience ... patience ... patience.

i remember a line from field of dreams -- "if you build it, they will come."

if i believe that he cares, the caring will come ...

if i believe that he loves me, the loving will come ...

if i believe that it will work out between us, the commitment will come ...

after two and a half years of trying to work it out, fighting, arguing, attempting to please, i've realized that the best option would be to patiently wait, be busy with my own life, and in his own little way, he will come around.

i hope this is not just a good streak, but a real change for the better.

* * *

what this blog is all about

(something from an email)

Being Twenty-Something to Thirty-Something (This puts it all into words perfectly.)

They call it the "Quarter-life Crisis." It is when you stop going along with the crowd and start realizing that there are a lot of things about yourself that you didn't know and may not like.

You start feeling insecure and wonder where you will be in a year or two, but then get scared because you barely know where you are now.

You start realizing that people are selfish and that, maybe, those friends that you thought you were so close to aren't exactly the greatest people you have ever met and the people you have lost touch with are some of the most important ones. What you do not realize is that they are realizing that too and are not really cold or catty or mean or insincere, but that they are as confused as you.

You look at your job. It is not even close to what you thought you would be doing or maybe you are looking for one and realizing that you are going to have to start at the bottom and are scared.

You miss the comforts of college, of groups, of socializing with the same people on a constant basis. But then you realize that maybe they weren't so great after all.

You are beginning to understand yourself and what you want and do not want. Your opinions have gotten stronger. You see what others are doing and find yourself judging a bit more than usual because suddenly you realize that you have certain boundaries in your life and add things to your list of what is acceptable and what is not.

You are insecure and then secure. You laugh and cry with the greatest force of your life. You feel alone and scared and confused.

Suddenly change is the enemy and you try and cling on to the past with dear life but soon realize that the past is drifting further and further away and there is nothing to do but stay where you are or move forward.

You get your heart broken and wonder how someone you loved could do such damage to you or you lay in bed and wonder why you can't meet anyone decent enough to get to know better.

You love someone but maybe love someone else too and cannot figure out why you are doing this because you are not a bad person.

One night stands and random hook ups start to look cheap and getting wasted and acting like an idiot starts to look pathetic.

You go through the same emotions and questions over and over and talk with your friends about the same topics because you cannot seem to make a decision.

You worry about loans and money and the future and making a life for yourself and while winning the race would be great, right now you'd just like to be a contender!

What you may not realize is that everyone reading this relates to it. We are in our best of times and our worst of times, trying as hard as we can to figure this whole thing out.

* * *

there's a sims coming out for playstation 2 soon ... ooohhh ... i want. incidentally, since i don't have playstation 2, i'd want that too.