long weekend has left a major dent on my wallet ...

but ... freedom that comes from being the one with the car + nice shiny car courtesy of car wash + nice new beige bag with suede fringe + new rubber shoes + new shirt + new sandals + fun with friends + bikini open at street life + a smile from the male winner of the bikini open + finally being able to claim i'm not the driving bozo they think i am ...

worth it. worth every penny.

* * *

speaking of the bikini open ...

male and female models we were rooting for won! when guy number 4 (our guy) was piling up food on the buffet table after the contest, i couldn't help but stare, not because of his being hot but because he was eating quite a lot. he looked my way and smiled ... i smiled... pffft. that's it. no amazing stories of how he sat beside me, yada yada ...

friends wanted to burst my bubble further -- he wasn't smiling at me ... he was smiling at bestest ex.

* * *

won premiere tickets all because i have two hundred bucks as taong bahay in my wallet. in heels, i leaped over the back of our booth to be the first one up front with my bill. i was actually fumbling with my wallet for a good thirty seconds before i was finally able to hand it over to the host.

but judy's win was better ... since we wanted to win more tickets, we were poised to jump over the booth anytime (it was the "shortcut" -- otherwise we'd have to squeeze through all our other friends, pass by the stairs, etc). they wanted us to name one sponsor of the event. the two of us were standing but too ashamed to leap. was squealing to judy"clorox! clorox!"

judy had this bewildered look. "anong clorox? zonrox!" since we were both standing up on our chairs, host went over to us, commenting "you two seem really excited, so excited that the boyfriend's covering his face!"

judy replied "di niya yan boyfriend! (referring to bestest ex) ... ex niya yan!"

we won the tickets.

brace yourself ... i drove ALONE from UP all the way home in the south...

didn't kill anyone. didn't scratch the car one bit. engine died on me only twice.

whew.

didn't have to turn on the aircon anymore as my hands were deathly cold from the physical (from gripping the steering wheel too hard), mental (from thinking i will not, cannot, and should not swerve lanes when someone cuts in front of me), and spiritutal (prayed like i have never prayed before) effort that driving is for me.

now, i can do anything ... well, maybe except park the car in the garage. THAT will have to wait.

* * *

when i started blogging, happiness was when my favorite blog linked me. now i want to be part of his possessions series. but that's asking too much.

* * *

p***** i**! i have to sell TEN f*****g tickets for nine mornings by monday. i hate the sanggumay residence hall house council for coming up with such a stupid idea! i have no problem with the fact that the proceeds will go to papa john center for orphans ... but WTF is the deal with making us sell tickets? maybe if they asked for donations instead, i would have gladly shelled out part of my 13th month pay, but to sell ten useless tickets for a 3 p.m. showing (who the hell would want to watch 9 mornings at 3 in the afternoon? people work, you old maid freaks!) without having even consulted us before committing to the movie .... grrr. i can kill (fine, maim maybe) right now.

but just in case you want to watch (i know i'll be working that day so i can pay for the f*****g tickets!), they're for 40 bucks each, to be shown at the UP Film Center at 3 on December 4. the tickets are on me ... just tell me if you want them.

today's the birthday of one of my most favorite law students in the world ...

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ... well you know who you are...

p.s. nasaan na ang napoloenes ko?

i am a postive threat to all living things when i drive. yesterday, i nearly:
(1) sideswiped a person riding a bike along meralco avenue (but honestly, who rides a bike on a road as busy as meralco avenue?)
(2) backed into a car as i was inching along cp garcia avenue (not my fault, really. car was too near behind me!)

* * *

dared to bring the car with me today to the shopping center. it's less than one hundred meters from sanggumay but my excuse is that it's raining and i need the practice. still contemplating whether i deserve to bring it all the way to law school where parking is hell ...

i don't think so. i might run over someone who is destined to be the next supreme court justice. would not want to alter the future with my recklessness.

i have become awfully shallow these days. since i began riding with judy, one of the the things that cracks me up is one radio station's ID which goes something like "kailangan pa bang i-memorize yan?"

it used to irritate the hell out of me. i'd hear it everywhere. if you're a commuter, you'd know what i mean. countless buses, jeepneys, and tricycles are hooked on to this station. thought i'd escape it when i began riding home with judy over the semestral break. no such luck. judy's hooked, probably because they do have a tendency to play the songs you spend half an hour looking for in different radio stations.

eventually, i fell in love with the line, and judy, told mars. so, even if i haven't been with judy for almost a month owing to my month-long break from work, there's someone in my life who'd gladly text me the line every so often.

* * *

incidentally, my favorite stall in the shopping center is also hooked on the same station.

chatting with mom over the net made me realize that sometimes, distance can bring two people closer together. i'm surprised how she has expressed her confidence in my driving, how she trusts me, and how she really cares a lot about me too, not just my brother.

i wish that she'd be strong enough to get through this trial in her life.

sometimes, what matters really is not how much you love that person, but how much that person loves you.

* * *

last night, after virtually ignoring mars the entire day, commanding him not to show up and instead pick me up saturday instead, he did show up outside my dormitory at 9:30 in the evening.

he told me he knew i had a lot of problems and that he felt really bothered over the fact that i was not talking to him. to make me feel better, he just decided to show up, with a dozen white roses. five minutes was all that he wanted and needed to convince himself that i was fine. i can make him leave after that.

wow.

* * *

wilma, my roommate, told me why not go for mars. she believes that it's the best way to get over rey.

told her it would be unfair, that i would just be using the really amazing guy to get over a total creep.

she said it does not really matter unless he finds out. the trick is for him not to find out.

ang sama. given the fact that i have come to believe that rey's presence in my life was bad karma for the times i had treated ex-boyfriends badly, i don't think i will do that.

what i did was to talk to mars, honestly. told him i was not ready for a relationship yet, and that even if i did love him, i would not be able to be the kind of girlfriend he deserves. told him to give me one year to sort things out -- my family, myself, my career, my studies.

had the best sleep ever.

* * *

postscript: ganda ng snowflakes ni bunny. i want! i want! i want!

paano na ang pasko?

purely personal post ...

my parents are most likely splitting up.

i've heard and seen them fight and for the longest time i knew it was coming. my mom has always been the one who wanted to split up with my dad. i've always told them that if they want to separate, then they have my support. no use staying with someone you do not love anymore.

but now, things have changed. my mom went back to the states to finally work on their marriage. she wants to show him she's sincere and that she wants to work things out. now it's my dad who wants out.

now, i don't feel fine ...
maybe it's my experience with rey, that knowledge that when it's the guy who finally says he does not want to stay anymore, when it's the guy who's firm with the separation, it usually is final. moreover, it's that nagging feeling that when guys want out, it's because there's someone else in their life.

i love my dad and all, but this one really is bad. i feel as if he has done something wrong to me too.

ayoko na.

there was a time after a very bad fight with my mother that i wanted to pack everything, leave, and settle somewhere else (somewhere like bacolod) where they would not be able to contact me anymore and i would be free of all the hurt and pain that family usually brings. the only thing that stopped me from leaving was the thought that if i left, i would not be able to see my dad anymore. and now, i find out about this from my dad, and my dad has not even mentioned anything -- no email, no phone call -- of his decision. it's as if he's divorcing us kids too.

today i wish i can crawl under a rock and die.

ngayon ko lang nalaman kung gaano talaga kahirap yumuko papasok sa jeep.

was too scared to drive to sm north, to cheap to take a cab, so was forced to ride the sm north - up campus jeep to get to the mall. as usual, the only seat available was one way down the end of the jeepney so did the usual walking with half of my body bent down towards the seat.

oh my gosh. masakit.

spent the entire ride to sm trying to appease my throbbing puson. felt pain both on the skin and on the inside. had visions of my now-severed reproductive system limply hanging inside my body helpless.

pain slowly went away. it totally disappeared when i saw my first "sale" sign. so much for buying that book for public international law.

went home with a pair of jeans, and no book. justified the purchase by thinking that i have no jeans, save for the one i'm wearing today, and i couldn't possibly wear my work clothes while on vacation.

i'm having the weirdest dreams. the other night my dream was like a reunion of my exes. d, the stringbean, was there, and so was a, the weirdo. didn't see the others, whew, but when two ex-boyfriends who you have not seen nor heard from in years make an appearance in the same week that opus dei dreams do, well, you begin to think that the doctors must have done something wrong with your brain too.

sneaked into the office today. who would think that i would actually miss this freezer-like environment where bosses and co-workers take advantage of you every so often. i actually woke up really early this morning cause i would be going to the office which happens to be walking distance from my doctor's office.

* * *

the day before my operation, i managed to drive alone from sucat to my house. today, i managed to drive from UP to ortigas center with bad idea shouting at my ear every so often.

"preno! ano ba?"
"p***** i**! volvo yang babanggain mo!"
"kambyo na! kanina ka pa nasa first gear."

am now convincing him to go home at 3:30 cause i have a class in UP at four. am bracing myself for another shouting spree.

it's one way of getting rid of that crazy infatuation i had for him last semester.

* * *

RA already asking what's the deal with the new guy, mars.

i don't know too. i like him, but he does not meet the ek-ek qualifications i have (a master's degree, or an LLB, or an MD). he's utterly devoted though, something that my mom has set as a major qualification for any relationship.

i'd like to think i do love him already ... but ... oh well.

had two awful dreams the other night ...

dream #1
was crammed in the front seat of highlander with mom when mom suddenly refused to drive! took over the wheel when i saw that we were about to hit a roadblock. i immediately swerved to the right, hitting a cream two-door kia pride. when i checked the road again, roadblock was gone but instead there was this rotonda and cars were easily passing around it.

woke up in the middle of the night and sent a very bothered message to mars. had a difficult time sleeping after that -- not when i'm supposed to figure out a way to drive all the way to medical city from the house tomorrow afternoon for my first check-up.

dream #2
family decided to transfer to this beautiful house in ayala alabang (which suspiciously looks like lisa m-s' house in alabang hills, go figure!). was happy cause it was two floors and i had a really nice room. when i got home the following day, big, beautiful house was taken over by opus dei and had become a center! each member had her own room (and the names were on the doors!) and my family had to fit in this small room in the side of the house which is used as a ridgefield (WTF?) extension every morning and afternoon. thus, pre-schoolers have full control of our room until four in the afternoon, after which i had to clean it before i can finally sleep. i tried talking to my mom -- who happened to be a tisay pre-school teacher in my dream -- and she was totally unconcerned with it. i just cried and cried until i woke up.

that left me more bothered than ever. i was so bothered that i woke up earlier than usual and told my aunt about it. she just laughed, especially about the opus dei part.

* * *

did it have something to do with them paying for my operation?

* * *

or is st. escriva talking to me in my dreams? is it a calling to be a member?

the prayers of RA and vanvan must be working overtime on me.

* * *

scored a free dinner last night! after accompanying my aunt shopping (it was painful on my stitches but it still is shopping!) she brought me to la parilla (allegedly the classiest place in cabanatuan) for dinner. owner of the place, mr. padilla, sat with us as we were eating. was so famished (still couldn't get over my two-day forced starvation before and after the operation) that i told my aunt i was going to have an appetizer, main course, and desert. in between bites of blue marlin, had the most amazing conversation with mr. padilla. i raved about the food (it was quite good so i was not lying through my teeth), laughed at the appropriate times, and showed interest in his stories. when he stood up, he told my aunt not to pay anymore since dinner was his treat -- not because they were friends but because he liked me. i was a nice kid.

yay. still have that charm apparently.

but was feeling a bit sugapa that the first thing that entered my mind was maybe i should have had soup too!

was punished for the evil thought with a nasty pain the entire evening. tummy grew too big that stitches felt stretched.

i love my doctor ... finally got to check out my stitches (and have a decent bath!) sunday morning and they are way lower than any low rider pants britney would ever dare wear!

hah! so much for me not giving aubrey miles a run for her money.

now, if only i can get rid of my unwanted fats and grow three inches taller.

* * *

watched the sunshine and jay manalo video. it was boring. basically, there were about two scenes (or was it three?) that they just kept shooting over and over. sunshine couldn't act her way out of a paperbag!

i'm back ... thanks for everyone who wished me well!

* * *

operation details so gory to post here but i must've cursed more than my fair share for the entire year! crazy nurses miscalculated the size of the iv needle so i have a popped vein on my left wrist. then my right arm looks he-man like owing to another thing they stuck in there. i have not seen my stitches yet ... blame the three-inch thick gauze covering my puson area.

all in all, i'm fine, except for the occassional sharp pain in one area.

and yes, i can still have babies.

* * *

but dig this, mars (the new guy) says he doesn't mind if i can't have any. awww.

* * *

he was actually there in the hospital when the doctor passed by and told me that i ought to start thinking about getting married and having babies soon. apparently, thing i had is as invasive as cancer, as tricky as cancer, spreads like cancer, more difficult to treat that cancer (since it comes back most of the time) but is not cancer. best way to deal with it is to have babies.

poor mars. all that pressure for someone who has resumed courting and wooing me only one week ago.

* * *

in cabanatuan right now. good thing i brought laptop so that means i am in internet heaven in spite of being away from the office for the next month or so. doctor and aunt advising me to stay away from law school too but ... nah, law school is way too important in my life right now.

but, for their sake, will probably miss a day or two.

*evil grin*

time that i have to be at the hospital: 7 a.m.
time that operation will be performed: 3 p.m.
number of hours they will be doing their thing: 1 hour at least
number of days confined: 3 to 4 days
day that i will be back blogging: november 14, hopefully.

see you all then!

it's an awfully cheesy song and i never really liked it but sing along with me ...

"i've finally found someone, someone to share my life ... cause whatever i do, it has got to be you. my life has just begun, i've finally found someone..."

go figure.

* * *

no, i don't have a new boyfriend and i didn't myself a dog or a pet ... it's just that i'm hoping this new one might be it. i still don't believe in love and all that gushy stuff but ... hee!

finally got to drove my mom's car yesterday. virtually bugged my brother to take me out so i can practice just in time for my operation. after two license renewals, i would actually need to have one right after the operation.

friend who was sleeping over tagged along, rather, was forced to come with us. drove to RA's house, all the way trying not to go beyond second gear because i felt i was "going too fast." pathetic really. well, i was able to go all the way to 7-11 all the way to the other side of BF which i consider to be a big big feat as road is four cars wide and is one of the busiest roads inside the village. i was actually able to park the car!

brother and friend felt that it was too much to ask of them so the decided we were going to spend the night drinking. their choice: gin pomelo. i texted friend-of-brother-who-used-to-like-me-a-lot-but-fell-in-love-with-girl-for-8-years-and-is-now-single-again to join us. i called it my pre-op celebration.

was fun!fun!fun! except that i'm paying for it with a three-inch thick pile of papers waiting to be checked, a nasty headache, and a possible allergic reaction to cheap booze.

oh, and i'm poorer than yesterday. they decided to that i ought to pay for round two on top of the fact that i had to go out and buy it for them.

why can't i have a laparoscopy instead of regular surgery? that way i can still give joyce jimenez, rica peralejo, maui taylor, and aubrey miles a run for their money ...

... yeah, right.

been sleeping non-stop since yesterday ... my neck hurts, my back hurts, my head hurts. i should be checking papers, really, as there are big piles waiting for my red pen all over the house.

* * *

mom left for the US early this morning. my brother and i almost had to force her to leave. i think she was feeling a bit guilty leaving me right before an operation but i'd rather she be there than be fussing around, worrying about me, and having an awful temper over her loads of stuff to do. anyway, am lucky to have the world's best aunts, brother, and friends to take care of me.

* * *

for some unknown reason, i've been touching my puson every so often since i found out i had to be operated on. is it the fear? or is it the hidden wish that the doctor will perform a liposuction on it?

* * *

finally, will be forced to actually drive. doctor said i can't move around, and that i'd have to be taken door-to-door. asked her if i can drive as no one would be able to act as my driver and she said yes.

yay. who would've thought that i'd actually have to have an operation to finally get hold of the car! am scared though. people: start getting additional life, accident, and car insurance!

* * *

pam told me her band would be willing to back me up should i need to beg on the streets to pay for the operation. thanks ... but i think i neglected to tell her that i can't sing to save my life ...