enjoy the last five hours of 2002 ... here's to a great year ahead of us!

am i falling into the same old relationship trap again?

was out on my usual we-will-make-time-for-each-other-because-it's-the-holidays gimmick with two of my bestest friends from church when the longing to hang out with the martian struck. while trying to have a decent conversation with my friends, i was having a nice text conversation with my baby...

bad bad bad bad ... i SHOULD NOT fall into this relationship pitfall...

i have friends. i will make time for my friends. my world will not revolve around him ... not now, not ever.

i love pancit canton.

* * *

can i give up my shopping addiction? probably, after all, a huge chunk of my salary this payday is going to bpi mastercard.

* * *

was planning to use the two-week vacation to make the thesis revisions that BB has been asking for for the longest time. i've been off work for more than a week already and all i've accomplished is visiting a whole lot of malls, tiangges, and gaining weight. that, and rekindling my ties with my sims.

ahh, the sims. time to log-off now ... have to start building houses ...

resolutions

i figured i'm more bound to keep my resolutions if i put them on-line. so here goes...(and in no particular order)

1. to be a better person when in a relationship. i promise not to boss him around, take him for granted, pick fights when i'm pissed. but i will never be a doormat again.

2. to take better care of my things. i promise to make sure bags are returned to their rightful places when not in use, that shoes will be polished before being returned to their boxes, and that clothes will be washed and pressed lovingly.

3. to start studying seriously. i promise to make and submit case digests on time, finish the reading load for the next day before i sleep, and to not text my martian during specpro. i also promise not to cut specpro and civpro anymore.

4. to be a better employee. i promise not to study for law while at work, to prepare lesson plans, to make sure the readings are complete, and not to say bad things about bb behind her back anymore.

5. to be a better friend. i promise to make time for my friends, both at work, from church, and in law school. i promise that my martian will not be the center of my universe as ex used to be.

6. to be a better christian. i promise to make time for god.

7. to be a better sister and daughter. i promise not to scream at my brother anymore, not to hate my parents when they're mad at me, and to do my duties more dutifully.

8. to be less of a plague when driving. ha! asa pa...

should i be shocked?

the ex is a closet fan of lito lapid and since i didn't reply to his christmas message i decided to brave another possible round of tears by wishing his idol good luck on this year's film fest.

he did reply, and boy did i find out more than i was bargaining for. apparently the MAJOR reason why he decided to formalize our break up (if you call texting formal) was because he had finally met someone. she's a student, nine years his junior, and apparently shares a passion for movies (i always fell asleep watching his boring movies). he claims they have nothing in common but he likes her.

masakit diba? in a fit of desperation, i called bestest ex and bawled my heart out. he pointed out to me that i also had someone else -- my martian -- and i should be totally over the ex, right?

no such thing. i realized that when you have spent (wasted?) almost three years of your life with someone, you get affected by these things. rage gives way to tears, a whole lot of tears, especially when for the longest time you were the one trying to make things work out. yun pala may bagong karne nang nilalandi.

i've always told him in the past that i was scared of his students, with them hitting on him too much. he kept denying that he had any interest whatsoever, that he will NEVER hit on a student, them being too young and all. and then this. makes me feel like everything he has told me was one big fat lie.

* * *

but, i'm lucky. i found the one. i just hope and pray he stays the one forever.

watched mano po with my martian last night...

... if only they didn't cry so much
... if only their chinese voices didn't sound so much unlike them
... if only they didn't try to incorporate action, comedy, and drama all in one film
... if only fewer people died to get the point across
... if only ...

haaay. but i'm willing to bet this would be one of the better ones.

dreamt of specpro classmate last night...

* * *

have to swear off eating for the next six days ... have eaten more than enough ...

on the other hand, aunt gave me four fruitcakes ... hmmm.

diet can wait until january 2. by then my salary would've gone to credit card bill and i'd be virtually broke. fruitcake can tide me over till next payday.

we're officially a couple today ... best greeting i got was from my mom who sent me an email sending christmas greetings to mars from his "future mother-in-law".

now if only i can win over mars' mom.

the other day i nearly called the entire christmas plan off when his mom and dad freaked out when they found out we were in santa rosa, laguna. it was my grandmother's birthday and he got invited to the family dinner. his mom called and she started spewing expletives when she found out where we were. some of the expletives, i believe, were aimed at me.

mothers ...

i know i'm supposed to understand but sometimes, i'm tempted to whip out my resume and remind his mom that it does not get any better than me... but then again, a mother's love is the toughest, strongest love there is. i should know -- i see it everyday between my mom and kit.

* * *

merry christmas, everyone! i hope your holidays are as happy, blessed, and fun as mine, if not more.

good deed for the holidays: gave my old bike to our regular gardener. felt so damn good.

And I've got all that I need
Right here in the passenger seat
Oh and I can't keep my eyes on the road
Knowing that she's inches from me
- Passenger Seat by Stephen Speaks

* * *

last tuesday as i got into mars' car, he played the song "passenger seat" by stephen speaks. it was the sweetest song i've ever heard (especially the acoustic version). guys, i suggest that if you want to win your girls over, this is the song.

arrived at the office at ten so making up for lost time. doesn't really matter cause the bosses aren't here, but at least when they check my time, it'll reflect the "effort" i put into staying this late.

now i don't really know what's the deal with making faculty members in this university stay for 9 hours (including lunch!) in the freezer-like atmosphere of the faculty room. it's not like there's intelligent conversation going on between us, in fact, the better conversations usually happen during lunch at pacific, while commuting home, or after work in a coffee shop. probably it's the inhuman temperature that they insist putting the aircondition on everyday, or the curious stares that some people give you when you seem to be having too much fun.

anyway, i spent a good part of my day in megamall getting gifts - a gift actually. i finally got the fossil watch that mars wanted... actually the watch i wanted for him cause it just looks so damn good on his wrist... (well, we're matching, he got me the hers version of the watch.)... then i got myself citre shampoo which i've always wanted but was too expensive for a teacher's meager salary, and lastly the thick padded lining you get for shoes. happiness. judy got herself another bauble for this wedding that she's attending (so far she has gotten a pair of earrings, a necklace, a bracelet, and a bag in the space of two days. today she got a headband which doubles as a tiny tiara).

am broke ... much more broke than i was over the weekend.

* * *

daddy of mars is having the operator of the jeep that hit me summoned to his office. yay. might just recover my P3500 ... but then again, this is the government we're talking about.

ah basta... i'm willing to settle for a MAJOR incovenience on the part of the operator.

turning catholic

ironically, it was when my dad started working in a moslem country did he find god and started becoming active in church. one summer when my mom went on vacation there, she likewise became born again. it was not long before my entire family was in a christian church. in spite of growing up in a catholic school, being born to a family of catholics, and having friends who i go to a catholic mass every sunday with, i got converted into christianity.

well, fast forward to twelve years (or more!) later, i'm almost together with a guy i had previously turned down because of the religion issues. and last night, i found myself inside UP's chapel for the first time, hearing mass with my dear mars. his wish was that we hear mass together, if only to thank god for helping us find each other again at the right time. i can still remember what to say at what time, when to stand and when to kneel. the best part (and i've always believed this to be true, even when i was not catholic anymore) is when you kneel right before communion and you can pray for as long (well, five minutes max, or depending on how long communion is) and as hard as you want. this part is magical, as i believe that the prayers uttered at this moment receive an extra lift on its way to heaven.

now, believing in this extra lift concept, i prayed long and hard that my parents would find themselves once more in love with each other. an email i received from my mom this morning debunked my extra lift theory. my father has grown more rude towards my mom (if that's actually possible) and my mom is itching to go home.

still, it won't hurt to make it later at nine ... after all, one mass may not be enough.

say goodbye to the bad weekend

the bad luck that friday the 13th brought me continued well into the weekend.

saturday:
(1) water supply that comes every other day, for an hour and half, never came. apparently pump was broken. no water. and to think brother and i decided to do our laundry together. we had enough water left for one bath each. we just have to figure out where we'll take a bath on sunday.
(2) red sleeves of new white shirt bled. goodbye new favorite white shirt. no amount of scrubbing with ariel could fix it. every time i washed it, red sleeves keep getting red back onto the white portion.
(3) logged on too late and wasn't able to meet my mom on-line. stayed on-line for the next three hours -- nada. (but did get to chat with someone ... hmmm.)
(4) was forced to cut class cause i stayed on-line too long and i still had to buy the sidemirror. that meant me not being able to go to banawe and get the sidemirror cheaper. darn.
(5) couldn't buy anything from the mall. it was too cramped and there was nothing good. considering i have once contemplated shopping as a career, this is supremely bad.

sunday
(1) no more water left ... as in not even a drop. was able to take a bath only at 7 p.m. when i got to the dorm. car mercifully didn't absorb my smell.
(2) rey texted. more on this later.

monday
(1) contact lens fell off

* * *

had to ask RA to bless me with his hand sprinkling motion ... it worked. today i managed to get from origin to destination without having to restart the car at all. WAGI!!!!

* * *

received two messages from rey last sunday. he was breaking up with me.

whoa. i thought we've broken up a long time ago. when we discussed it last september, he told me he didn't know whether what we had was worth saving. i asked him whether we were friends or we were together and his answer was, again, "i don't know."

i took that to mean we're through in every sense of the word. no contact from him, no nothing. i stopped texting too and presumed that i was as single as single can be, no hitches.

imagine the shock of my life when right after the wound has healed he had to tell me VIA TEXT that he was breaking up with me.

* * *

such a loser. loser loser loser loser.

stupid jeepney driver cost me more time and money that i bargrained for. spent the entire morning calling different auto supplies stores and car dealers than i knew existed, then the entire afternoon deciding, buying, and finally installing the damn sidemirror. prices ranged from P350 for a pair of taiwan sidemirror lenses to P6000 for an original mitsubishi right sidemirror assembly. at first i couldn't believe my ears -- sixfuckingthousand for a sidemirror? that probably cost more than the sheet metal sarao used to construct that stupid jeep!

i couldn't breathe after that ... that was a semester's tuition. one semester of law school versus a plastic and glass assembly that sticks out from the side of your car making it an ideal target for stupid jeepney drivers.

i could get a "replacement" -- looks the same, fits the same, but is not the same -- but i'm willing to bet my mom would find out it wasn't the real deal in an instant. that would set me back only by a little more than a thousand. the price of regalado's civil procedure book... not bad.

"fear of mother" finally won out in the end. but i had to be practical too. found an original assembly for P4150 somewhere in pasay so i went over there to check out the thing. first they showed me a painted over sidemirror (what? i called, i said black, there's no such thing as a color-keyed side-mirror for my car model! do you know what you're doing?) then a nice brand new one (but that's left! i said right!right!right!), then a really ratty one (diyos mio, mas warak pa to kaysa sa sidemirror na papalitan ko!), then one that looked used but wasn't so bad...

P3500 bucks later, i was on my way home clutching the side mirror assembly... i brought the car over marion's place and he installed it for me. by 6 p.m. i was fine. life can go back to normal.

* * *

life being normal meant indulging in a foot spa that my budget couldn't simply afford after buying a side-mirror assembly.

still, a girl has her priorities. i may be dirt poor right now but my feet are oh-so-smooth.

friday the 13th

something bad just had to happen on friday the thirteenth.

at 11 p.m. i was already thinking i had gotten away with a good day. i remember years ago when my mom wouldn't even venture out the house, much less drive a car, on friday the 13th. she has had three to four bad experiences and was unwilling to repeat them again.

yesterday, kept thinking whether i should bring the car home or just have mars pick me up since that's what he usually does. however, since i need the driving practice, i took the car.

i left UP at 930 p.m. after i had eaten at our corridor party. by 11, i was still stuck in the makati tunnel. jeep clipped my side mirror as i was exiting the tunnel. the driver had the gall to get off the jeep, check the stainless steel body of his passenger jeep (which was "private" that day), and shout "wala kang nabangga. okay lang."

WHAT THE FUCK? it was he who hit me, and my side mirror was in this awful angle. i immediately called mars and told him what happened plus gave him the jeep's plate number. all i could do was chase after the jeep, except that the passengers at the back kept avoiding my honks and flashing lights, one even shouting "ikaw may kasalanan!"

had to go home feeling dejected. with each kilometer, my driving self confidence slowly dived down.

now, not only do i have to cut class in order to have the side mirror fixed (immediately so my brother won't know and consequently tell my mom), i have to shell out a lot of money for something that was not my fault.

* * *

if i know you from real life, and you read this post, please, please, please do not rib me for the accident. yes, fine, i'm a bad driver. enough said, ok. i don't think i can take your comments about how i am not worthy of a car on top of by now non-existent self-esteem.

good things come to those who wait

yeah, so fine i didn't really wait but since the operation, things have been going really well in my life. i had a week-long vacation from all the hassles of life while i was in cabanatuan, then an additional two weeks off from work while i was getting used to the first few weeks of law, then when i got back, everything seemed "normal", no it's-so-awkward-cause-i've-been-gone-for-one-month feeling ... i also got to do some shopping for myself, take care of the stuff at home, manage to actually drive the car ...

and best of all, i found the one.

we talked yesterday and we decided (now this will definitely be weird) that we want our anniversary to be on a really special day, not some random day when love fell on both of us in one big swoop. so, i asked him if it'll be okay that we officially become an item on december 24. it's corny cause it's christmas eve and all that but ten years ago, he asked me to be his girlfriend on christmas eve.

it's really weird how for the longest time my blog was filled with numerous (i'll admit it now) pathetic posts about me chasing after rey. i honestly wanted to work things out with him, panindigan ang sinimulan but it's really hard when you're the only one trying. for a while i was feeling a bit guilty over the entire mars thing, thinking that i'm just looking for someone to fill in the gap that rey has left in my life but one day i just realized that hey, i don't have to a martyr and all that. there's no rule that says i have to be "widowed" for a long time before i allow myself to love someone again.

and one day, i just realized that i actually loved him. loving doesn't have to be hard, full of sacrifices, painful... it's meant to be happy, light, and most of all, something that makes you "bloom" so to speak.

so there. i gave in.

i really really really love him now.

(oh and one more good thing -- i finally got the increase i've been waiting for! it's 5%, totally negligible, but it's an increase nonetheless. sinamahan naman nila ng performance bonus eh. ang bait, diba?)
* * *

kadiri ba? pagbigyan niyo lang ako... ngayon lang yan. will be back to my normal cynical bitter self soon... but then again, who wants to be bitter and cynical, right? will leave that to jessica zafra.

* * *

by the way, my brother wants me to tell everyone that he'll be getting me the dakki powerpuff car headrest. so that's two things off my christmas checklist -- ability to drive in edsa, and the pillows.

favor ...

if anyone has the mp3 of "here with me", jennifer paige's version of the plumb original, would you please email it to me? pretty please? pleae? please?

medicine doctor injected in my tummy an hour ago costs more than my month's salary. it's not that i make much but i manage ... no i can't imagine how people who make less than i do manage. one of my friends, a, make a little more than i do but he's married, with two kids and another one on the way. he spends way more than i do and yet seems to be ok.

all of a sudden you ask what you have been doing with the twice a month paychecks you receive. i can't even afford to keep myself fed with jollibee spaghetti and burger steak meal! (my current addiction)

* * *

people have been commenting how happy and cheerful i've been recently. warning though: the hormone they injected is supposed to make me menopausal for the next three to six months. wonder how that feels.

bad alda's memories

alda's, according to some people, is THE place ... i used to think so myself.

when rey brought me there for the first time, i fell in love with it! it's cozy and dimly lit, the food is amazing, it has none of the young, loud teenage crowd you'd usually find hanging out in starbucks. it was OUR place, i said to myself.

it became a ritual of sorts for us. the grasshopper mint pie was the surefire way to "fix" anything that was wrong. on my 25th birthday, my family, rey, and i ate at alda's -- i wanted to eat in my most favorite place with my most favorite people.

big mistake. my mom hated the food, my brother's ex was there (my mom invited her) and she ruined it for my brother, then they ruined it for me by charging me on TWO cards (they returned the first card -- a debit card -- to me saying they don't accept. i found out two days later that the bank charged me already cause the cashier swiped it already. when i called alda's to complain, they even denied the fact that they accept credit cards and hung up on me!). the day after, rey and i broke up.

i wish my memories of alda's are better. i used to hope that one day, my future husband would propose to me there, or that we'd celebrate the baptism of our first child there. i want to bring mars there too.

but maybe inasmuch as i've said goodbye to the thought of rey and i ever being together at all, i might as well say goodbye to my once-favorite restaurant. after all, the memories of alda's all rightfully belong to the past.

it doesn't feel like christmas, it does not look like christmas ...

but when pam sent me three aubrey miles pictures ... well, i just had to give in to christmas, right?

why am i thinking of aubrey miles when it should be marc nelson i should be fantasizing about? must be the missing ovary ...

* * *

love my brother ...

we snuck out of the billiard hall to get food from 7-11 and while we were in the van together he asked me what i wanted for christmas. told him that i want the powerpuff dakki car headrest (see christmas list). he asked me which one i wanted and how much it cost. told him i wanted buttercup and that it cost P190 each.

he said, ay mura lang pala.

wow. this is from the guy who'd stay at home to save money, the guy who'd commute all the way to his gf's house in novaliches cause gas is expensive.

and the double wow part was when he told me that he had something else planned -- neil gaiman's coraline. i had mentioned to him in the past how i wanted neil gaiman's children's story ... i actually forgot to include it in my christmas list the other day.

was speechless.

* * *

guess where my driving prowess took me yesterday -- EDSA.

wow, wow, wow.

ang galing galing ko.

* * *

traffic in expressway (what expressway? it's like saying, to borrow a line from foucault's pendulum, urban planning for gypsies) was so bad last night that i was able to master the first gear, learn how not to slide while on a slope, and squeeze my car in the tiniest of spaces. before i knew it, i was in between two big trucks, a stupid mmda enforcer, and a small window to traffic-less heaven.

did i survive the test?

hell, yeah. am good *pat self at the back* ... really good... amazingly good...

* * *

parking na lang talaga sa garahe ang di kaya ng powers ko!

utter lack of christmas spirit ... *gasp* ... so so not me.

i have a favorite christmas song (we three kings), a favorite christmas album (i can't remeber the title but we have it in LP and when the record player got broken we had to get it in cd), christmas wrapper rules (1. no blue christmas wrappers - malas and 2. no santa claus in wrappers), and my very own christmas tree which my mom bought for me when i was a freshman in college and got too depressed that i will not be seeing the tree at home on a regular basis.

it's 21 days until christmas and i have yet to make a christmas list, touch a christmas wrapper, save for christmas gifts, and play my favorite christmas album.

ano ba 'yan. di na nga ako naniniwala sa love, di na rin ba ako naniniwala sa pasko ngayon?

* * *

but if YOU believe in christmas ... by all means, get me a gift!

i want ...
1. the buttercup dakki pillow that you attach to the headrest of your car (shaped like her head!)
2. leather seatcovers
3. e-pass that would never need to be reloaded
4. a completed thesis
5. feria book on civil law procedure, volume 2
6. unlimited supply of cross ballpen refills, fine point, black
7. inquirer libre reserved for me at the quezon ave. station no matter what time i get there
8. my mom and dad back together
9. vcd player, even if it be the cheap one from greenhills
10. laptop upgrade
11. the ability to drive in edsa without fear
12. male model #4 from last saturday's bikini open
13. a vhs of the virgin suicides... and the book too, if you don't mind
14. fhm poster with aubrey miles (labo ba?)
15. a new watch
16. sharon cuneta's autograph ... fine, dinner with sharon cuneta so i can get her autograph in person
17. premiere tickets to the next lotr movie
18. trip to hongkong
19. a full body massage, body scrub, facial, and hair treatments
20. for my favorite people to never stop blogging.

* * *

merry christmas everyone!

idols

one day you realize that the reason why you log on serious internet time everyday is because you are hooked to the lives they lead. then it hits you ... to a certain extent you want to be like them (well, with the exception of one blog i used to read because of the perverse pleasure of correcting the author's grammar -- diba, pam?) ...

you read bea's blog and you wish you had her optimism, her sunny disposition, and her sweetness. follow bea's link to bunny's blog and you're faced with a girl whose quiet strength jumps out of the screen.

you go to the first blog you read everyday -- pam's blog and wish you were able to do as much at that age. you feel like an ate of sorts, mentally joining her in her journeys, feeling down when she's down and as high as she can be when she's in love. she also introduces you to her best friend, j, who you immediately feel protective of for some reason or the other.

and then there's chel who feels like someone you met in high school, someone, who like you, gets along with guy friends, uses shopping as therapy, and writes like there's no tomorrow. fast forward a couple of years and you wish you're like unica hija who drives like a maniac, works like a maniac, shops like a maniac, loves like a maniac in a world where everyone is just average.

you wish you could write like them, cheesedip and psychicpants ... but can't.

and then there are those who said goodbye -- ecstatic spastic and tina, webpages you check every so often on the off chance that they might still be around.

and so because you idolize them, you blog too.