26 years ago today, my parents chose to have me ... they got married.

for them it meant giving up their dreams, rushing headlong into a troubled future that a 22-year-old bride and a 23-year-old groom would find difficult to manage.

it meant a lot of fights and a lot of disagreements.

they're still together, hanging on.

i've been mad at them more than enough. sometimes i feel that they should have decided never to have me and my brother at all, that they nipped what they had at the bud when they still could do so. why? because sometimes i feel that when i look into their eyes i see in them a much better future than what we have right now.

but then again i can't imagine not having them for parents.

i can't imagine a couple giving up so much so that their daughter could go to a good school.

i can't imagine parents living apart so that they could provide for us.

twenty-six years later, they've only just begun to understand each other. they are experiencing, 26 years after their honeymoon, what it's like to be with someone.

thanks mama and papa.

happy anniversary.

* * *

what is it with this computer that everyone needs it? there are four other computers. my butt has not warmed up yet. i have spent fifteen minutes trying to get the keyboard and mouse to run. and then they take it away.

i'm pissed as hell.

* * *

foundation day's shaping up ... am good, really good.

* * *

good friend from high school texted me yesterday ... then he told me ...

"maybe he loves you, the only question is how much."

got me thinking.

now i'm really thinking.

every so often someone would ask me, "kayo na ba ulit?" and i wouldn't know what to say. i think we're together in the sense that we care about each other. we're together in the sense that i love him and have no desire of stopping. we're together in the sense that he tries, somehow, to show that he still cares for me, loves me even, no matter how tought things are. we're together in the sense that we can still talk about our fears with each other and we see our future slowly shaping up.

on the other hand, we're not together cause we don't say "i love you" and "i miss you". we're not together cause we don't have set weekends together. we're not together cause right now, he's not ready to commit his future to me.

one day at a time, he said. cool lang tayo, ros.

* * *

while walking from edsa to the heart of ortigas this morning, i slowly formed in my head a theory of life and friendship.

imagine your life to be two circles, one inside the other.

the life you maintain, the life you have with your friends and family is the inner circle. this is where you're totally predictable, how they know that you like pakbet with only kalabasa and sitaw, and that you have a thing for shoes. this is where you have to maintain that facade, that you don't drink coke at all even if it meant not drinking at all. you've been pegged in this circle and should you decide to change the persona in this circle, you'd have to slowly warn everyone in this circle of the impending change.

on the other hand, the outer circle is the peripheral life... where on a really hot day and you're all alone, you can actually drink coke. it's where you think of having a cigarette just to know how it tastes like. it's where you spill all of your secrets and fears to a virtual stranger just cause you know that this person will never infiltrate your inner circle, cause you know that this person will never tell anyone of the things you've told him.

life is comfortable in the inner circle. it's warm and fuzzy, where all the blankets are pink and fluffy (that is if you want them pink and fluffy). nothing much changes here.

but in the outer circle, that's where all your guilty pleasures lie waiting for you to consume them. in my outer circle, i can admit i am captivated by watching kris aquino (i don't really know why!). in my outer circle, i can read nicomachean ethics and be captivated.

* * *

thanks for the lunch, tpie.

* * *

finished reading american gods ten minutes ago. life can go on now.

bad start.

the moment i stepped inside the office they were asking me already if her majesty may use the car we reserved for tom.

what can i do when she could take away my job from me with a snap of her fingers?

* * *

please check out ben at comics.com ... it's written a friend's brother-in-law and they're hoping it'll get syndicated.

* * *

have been bad ... have not been studying. been reading the neil gaiman book.

* * *

have been bad ... have not been checking papers. been blogging.

* * *

too many distractions.

either that or i need a vacation, again!

* * *

something good to read: imodo.com

* * *

rudyard nearly got caught blogging yesterday.

poor guy. i was the one who told him about my addiction, and he wanted to do it too, but he's not as fortunate as i am.

i say always have two windows! one's for work, the other one's for blogging. whenever some officious looking person strolls b, switch to the work window.

and another thing ... when someone wants to use the computer, graciously give in. that way, no one really notices you're actually hogging the computer.

* * *

got called yesterday... on that one case i didn't really finish reading. i thought it was an open and shut case.

i was wrong.

thought they were common carriers -- but they were licensed to lay out railroad only, no passengers.

darn. i had to stand up and wiggle for quite some time. in heels. in front of lust crush who was quite serious looking yesterday. he was in a barong and nice pants. and he got a haircut.

oh my ... rudyard, you're right! everything does boil down to lust crush!

woke up at 5:30 today ... go figure. having something new probably makes you want to start the day early.

* * *

got a haricut yesterday from jesi mendez in atc. bading had the blower girl flip it at the ends.

so for five hours yesterday, i felt a bit glamorous. went around atc feeling glamorous ... went around s.c. feeling glamorous ... went around coop feeling glamorous.

slept on the hair ... woke up mushroom-headed. not glamorous.

now i'm hoping it sort of resembles human hair for the rest of the day.

* * *

rudyard --

kailan mo lalagyan ng laman ang blog mo? am excited.

* * *

was reading a blog discussing how jessica zafra's so full of angst for a 28-year-old.

that got me thinking ...

... i'm full of angst too. i used to be a happy sunshiny person. now i'm just bitter. can't chalk it all up to quarter life crisis.

so i'm getting rid of all the anger now... as one student puts it, "i'll lift it up to God."

* * *

am not being religious or anything.

not that there's anything wrong with it to begin with. it's just not my cup of tea.

so anyway, one student who graduated from this pseudo-catholic school came up with an idea that even inane things such as giving up sweets to lose weight would be so much more effective if one were to lift it up to god -- sort of an offering while asking for his guidance too.

she lifted up her liking for donuts. she lost weight ...

so i'm lifting up my men problems, work problems, peer problems, evil-girl-at-the-dorm problems to god ...

my sacrifice: not ranting about my troubles

my reward: peace of mind.

* * *

last saturday, my wing at the dorm met to plan for our presentation on wednesday's acquaintance party. i wasn't there but my roommate relayed to me how they plan to do a story on this girl who watches television from 4 p.m. to 12 midnight! anyway, they were making fun of her when they came up with the idea.

i'm no pollyanna but that was downright evil.

this is a real person, with feelings, who just happens to love watching tv.

these are all graduate students, some of them married, and yet they still derive their quirky little joys from making fun of a person. this isn't the first time -- they did it too to a girl who got mad over losing 2 kilos of longganisa she left in the freezer.

grabe.

went out with him yesterday. had fun. goody!

* * *

actually was so close to getting pissed off. he said we'll meet in robinson's manila at 7. since class ends at six, i was rushing like a crazed girl. imagine me running from law to dorm, dumping big bag of books in bed, getting laptop for him to borrow, running to get jeep to philcoa, running to get fx to manila.

texted "on my way"

he replied "i'll be late. we'll meet at 8"

grrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr. was furious. i hate waiting. i loathe waiting. espeically when i'm lugging around a laptop that feels more like a desktop with each passing minute.

was thinking of texting him the usual "i am so fucking mad!" messages: "i don't want to wait. i'll just drop over the laptop at your place then head home"

restrained myself by sending a one-word message: "why".

he explained that he had to drop off the midterm grades first and that he was in the process of finishing it.

i counted to ten -- it's worked so far in keeping my awful temper at bay. i just thought that while waiting i can do my errands first ... and check out whether anonymous has the pants i want to buy in my size.

well, i ended up not getting any errands done -- turns out globe was just a sign but the telecenter wasn't open yet and the line to the atm was so so long. went to dymocks to check out sandman and american gods.

he arrived soon enough, gave me a nice kiss, and told me that he dropped by national to get me a copy of the book i requested.

wow.


* * *

about the book ...

was going around megamall after work last friday. was all alone -- not yet sure whether my friend was going to show or not when i spied a neil gaiman book at powerbooks. started reading ... and reading ... and reading. wanted to buy it but couldn't convince myself to shell out P319 when i could use it to buy shoes or pants ...

so i texted him "can i cajole you into getting a neil gaiman book for me for no reason at all." he said "sure".

thought he was going to forget all about it so i was quite surprised when i found out that he passed by national first before meeting me to go look for the book.

awwww ... maybe things are changing.

* * *

the date was nice. we had dinner then he went to booksale while i shopped for a pair of pants. we then went to unplugged in malate ...

got to snuggle. got to hug. got to feel loved.

and for the first time in months, he brought me home.

maybe i'm not waiting in vain after all.

* * *

maybe it's the distance?

not being around each other all the time gives us lots to talk to.

not being around each other means less opportunities to fight.

not being around each other brings back the electricity between us.

* * *

hey RA -- Mika said he's retiring for good. now, if only Michael would do the same thing ...

it seems like there's a monopoly everywhere these days...

tiger in golf

the williams sisters in tennis

michael shumacher in formula one.

give jenson button a chance, please?

* * *

i have been following jenson button's formula 1 career since i watched a race one easter sunday so i could text him race updates till he got home. thought it was stupid at first -- cars going around in circles, duh?

but then i saw jenson button.

then i saw mika salo too.

kimi raikkonnen (tama ba spelling? came the year after.

whoopee -- was hooked.

* * *

anyway, jenson, if you're reading this (highly unlikely), WILL YOU PLEASE FIND A GOOD CAR TO DRIVE?

he got it good during his rookie season driving that bmw-williams. i understood the move to benetton. then this year to another team (can't remember right now -- bad bad). next season, BAR HONDA!!! duh? villeneuve has been a driving wuss for the last couple of years. what were you thinking?

* * *

kimi nearly won the last race. then he had to slip and hand michael the top position and the championship in one swoop.

i am convinced -- michael shumacher must've sold his soul to the devil.

woke up to pouring rain this morning and made an announcement to my still-sleepy roommate, "Walang pasok."

she was so ecstatic over the news that it broke my heart to tell her that it was just my announcement and not DECS'.

* * *

bb asked me to revise proposal for the nth time. gawd. will it never end? told her i can't give welcome remarks. she made me. now she tells me no can do. nakakainis.

* * *

bed weather today ... but i'm here in the office attempting to cut a P115,000 budget to P100,000. i can't even cut down my credit card and cell phone bills ... what do i do with this?

* * *

sorry RA for being really cranky this morning. i just realized that i am really, really biased against her. i don't like her, period. maybe that's why i don't want to pull out C. he's such a good kid. mali lang ang priorities. i believe this is a question of would it do him more harm than good if we pull him out?

* * *

am i being too hard on my students?

* * *

class i was scared of conducting yesterday turned out pretty ok. had a semi-structured lectured, gave them samples of worksheets, and read to them "the real story of the three little pigs." they were bothered.

last week, i read "the gingerbread boy" and they were bothered too.

is this becoming a trend?

* * *

happy birthday, tpie.

* * *

made a statement yesterday that if i don't get married by 30 i will make my own baby. go figure out how. my students had several suggestions:

self-pollination

do-it-yourself baby

madami naman diyang pwede

si teacher r! he was asking how old you were and when you'd be coming back for a visit!

diba kayo pa ni mr. t (him!)? bakit hindi na lang siya?

and my personal favorite ...

saw on tv some girl getting married to a cardboard man. maybe you could do it too, miss!

* * *

am so awfully cranky today. bit RA's head off when he was asking me about the foundation day. bit veevee's head off when she borrowed my phone to text students. bit poor mike a's head when i asked about the dentist.

this is not pms.

baka syndrome na to ng pagiging matandang dalaga. god forbid.

* * *

was able to reduce budget already. am so good!

* * *

finally was approved for a credit card yesterday. for the longest time i was using an extension card courtesy of my mom and a debit card. now contemplating on what to indulge in ...

1) any one of the ten sandman collections in print: Preludes and Nocturnes, The Doll's House, Dream Country, Season of Mists, A Game of You, Fables and Reflections, Brief Lives, Worlds' End, The Kindly Ones and The Wake.

2) new pair of shoes

3) new outfit

4) foot goodies: foot lotion, foot spray, foot lotion, foot spa

5) massage

6) dinner with him

7) dinner with my family

8) pay globe phone bill (this is way too icky)

9) gift for tpie

10) not to indulge in anything at all and save the money for tuition fee next semester.

given my current state (huge phone bill, huge credit card bill, second semester looming, one law book still unbought) i should opt for option #10. but this will not stop me from going around the mall later. yipee.

* * *

speaking of mall, i think i have one of my rare i-can't-believe-this-but-i-actually-want-to-be-alone-today moments. that's why i probably thoughtlessly wrote down i will go to the mall later ... alone.

wow.

* * *

here's something for you, RA.

"Hmph. What the hell would you know? You're a dog."
"Did I ever say I wasn't?"
-Destruction and Barnabas, in SANDMAN #43: "Brief Lives:3"

* * *

Love takes hostages. It gets inside you. It eats you out and leaves you crying in the darkness, so a simple phrase like "maybe we should just be friends" or "how very perceptive" turns into a glass splinter working its way into your heart.
- Rose Walker's soliloquy, in SANDMAN #65: "The Kindly Ones:9"

another long day at work: school visit in makati, mini-meeting over lunch, and a three-hour class. whew.

* * *

another rainy day. poor shoes.

* * *

RA hates his description in the who's who. so let me clarify. he's not a dog dog ... he's a beagle ... a cute beagle. the type you want to have around.

maybe after reading this he'd finally recommend an increase for me.

maybe not. after all, bb has to approve of it first. hmmm...

maybe i should clarify what bb means now... bitch ... benevolent, inspiring, terrific, charming, hospitable.

god, i lie so well

* * *

vanvan -- mag-blog ka na! ayoko na na ako lang ang source of entertainment niyong lahat.

* * *

i'm boring. tomorrow na lang.

blogs that make you want to log on to the net every single day

nocturnal angel's journal

ecstatic spastic

cheesedip

blue arden

bottled bliss

willow tree

sunny side up

unica hija

happy reading, everyone!

* * *

amazing how time flies when you're having fun. now it's 2:30 and i have yet to:
(1) check journals
(2) finalize my lecture tom.
(3) study for corpo.

praying i don't get called.

my new roomie reminds me of my former ilang roomies -- she told me last week how i never seem to study.

so, starting last saturday, i've been logging more hours on my desk and less on my bed. it actually feels good to wake up in the morning knowing that you finished the homework given the night before and that you are ready to spend your free time just reviewing your notes, not cramming everything in one hour.

now, all i gotta do is memorize. all the way up to art. 821. please pray for me.

* * *

So don't treat me like a puppet on a string
'Cause I know how to do my thing.
Don't talk to me as if you think I'm dumb,
I wanna know when you're gonna come.

See, I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
I don't wanna wait in vain for your love,
'Cause summer is here, I'm still waiting there,
Winter is here and I'm still waiting there.

- waiting in vain

please don't take too long figuring yourself out. i might not be here when you're done.

* * *

another song, same movie

I can't take the distance
I can't take the miles
I can't take the time
Until the next time I see you smile
I can't take the distance
And I'm not ashamed
That I can't take a breath without saying your name
I can brave a hurricane
And still be standing tall when all the dust has settled down
But I can't take the distance
-the distance

part of me's glad that i don't have to think you're just fifteen meters away from me and i haven't seen you yet. part of me's paranoid that you're so far away from me that you'll forget me.

* * *

You got someone else
Maybe it's for the best
Since I took the cure
For happiness

And I'd trade it all
On a night like this
For your lovin' arms
And a moonlight kiss
-moonlight kiss

this one's for you, lust crush.

* * *

When you know that you know who you love, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cos you know and you know that you know.

When you feel in your skin in your bones and the hollow
Of your heart, there's no way you can wait till tomorrow.
When there isn't any doubt about it once you come this close
Cos you know and you know that you know.

You can feel love's around you like the sky 'round blue
This is how love has found you, now you know what to do.

When you know that you know who you need, you can't deny it.
Or go back, or give up, or pretend that you don't buy it.
When it's clear this time you've found the one, you'll never let him go
Cos you know and you know that you know.

And it's time you come in from the cold.
Haaa...
And you know that you know.
- when you know

for everyone who's asking why i'm so in love with him in spite of what's happened ...

* * *

obviously, while i was trying to study succession last night, my ears were plugged on the the discman with serendipity.

*haaaaay* if only love were really like that.

i remember the night when i watched it at home. it was during the christmas break and i was alone at home. before the movie ended i was crying like crazy! (this is really weird for someone who doesn't even cry at funerals!) i remember wishing then that it would be so ok if i were able to fix things with him.

he was in hagonoy ... no calls, hardly any messages too. it was a really bad time. my brother was in baguio with his girlfriend, my parents were out of the country. was basically all alone.

when i think about it, it was really pathetic. but in retrospect, it brought me back to church, my good friends kdan and lauren, and helped me realize that no matter what i do, he will have to decide about us all by himself.

monday morning ... again. two weeks ago, it was raining. last week, it was elections. now, it's sona.

* * *

good luck, gloria, in trying to convince the people of your good intentions. but i'm not counting on you succeeding. we're not as stupid as you think.

* * *

no more lust crush ... no more reason to be excited about corpo.

darn.

incidentally, no classes again this monday cause of sona. so no nothing.

* * *

my friday five on a monday

1. Where were you born?

quezon city.

2. If you still live there, where would you rather move to? If you
don't live there, do you want to move back? Why or why not?

ironically, i live in qc now because of school. i'd rather move to bacolod i guess. bacolod boy's there, hardly anyone knows me, everything's cheap, vw beetles still roam the streets, and life's easier there.

3. Where in the world do you feel the safest?

in my bed, at home, knowing my mom's in the other room, and my bro's in the other. the doors are all locked, my blanket's covering my entire body except my head. when i start to drive myself crazy over some imaginary ghost, i won't leave my bed, not even to pee. that's how safe i feel there.

4. Do you feel you are well-traveled?

not at all. been to three countries only, none of them outside asia. in the philippines, been to the usual (baguio, tagaytay) and to sagada, davao and bacolod only.

i guess my ultimate adventure was when i took the superferry to davao and back, all alone, to discover myself.

5. Where is the most interesting place you've been?

people's houses and bedrooms are usually interesting. you learn a lot about people by looking at how they live.

* * *

answered the friday five and said to myself, you're so boring.

wawa.

* * *

yay! i finished what i was supposed to finish just in time to beat the 12 noon deadline. happiness.

* * *

way back in college, a friend lent me the book 14,000 things to be happy about and on really bad days (or really happy days) i'd make a list of things i was happy about.

* gourmet tuyo or spicy tuyo from tapa king
* my notebooks filled with lists and rants
* prof. diaz
* my bed at home
* my crushes: lust crush, law-school-crush-with-no-codename, bad idea, orlando bloom
* wearing the appropriate outfit to suit the weather
* morning messages
* banana split from cheesecake, etc.
* coffee with the kids (j, i, s)
* red swatch from him
* silence of the lambs
* freebies
* coop, g miranda, and vina's
* ate con and ate wena
* my laundromat
* roommies in ilang -- ate presh, ate liz, ivy, mayla, janet. wonder where they are now?

and the list just goes on and on and on. care to share your list with me?

* * *

hate him! why does he have this power to make me happy/sad/mad/ecstatic/furious/evil/angelic/bummed with a single text message?

what is wrong with me?

hah ... internet connection at home. just exhausted my rebel account. forced my brother to teach me how to use pldt vibe.

am in front of the computer, finally.

* * *

hate. hate. hate. my transpo teacher. he announces fifteen minutes before our four o'clock class that he's not going to come. to think i
(1) woke up at 8:30 on a saturday
(2) sat on a fairly hard chair from 8:30 to 3:30 in the afternoon studying, writing digests, making my homework.
(3) asked my aunt to sneak out of a pta meeting to bring me an umbrella i left at her place so i can go out of the dorm
(4) ate corned beef out of a can so i don't have to go out for lunch.
(5) nearly bit the head off the girl in the computer shop cause she was taking so long to print my homework
(6) ran-walked to law ... in the rain
and here's the biggie ...
(7) opted not to spend a lazy afternoon with lust crush (more on this later) so that i make good my promise to make this year a good year in school.

* * *

So I was cramming like crazy trying to read 25 cases and writing real actual digests (as opposed to faking it cause teacher doesn't read it anyway!) when lust crush texts:

"la tayo class"

of course i knew that ... he asked me like an hour ago if we had ipl or not.

turns out he wanted to hang out. but since offer did not include food (if he did, i would have left my desk and the cold corned beef out of a can in a jiffy, forget law school), told him i'd be free after my transpo class. told me he'd be busy by then. darn.

so i slave through my stuff, finish my homework just in time to make it to class.

wrong decision.

my classmates were hanging outside ... thought they just needed a smoke. turns out ... no classes.

f.u.c.k.

so i text lust crush. he'd pick me up in fifteen, front drive.

yipee.

we hung out ... but he was different. not the fun, crazy, half-drugged person i remember from four months ago. then he told me. he's getting married ... he got her pregnant.

lucky girl. she's always hung above my head ... the girlfriend. the girl who gets to go on trips around the country as part of her job. the engineering graduate. young. nice. sweet. gives his formula one stuff. gave him a giant teddy bear. daddy drives a big ass pajero. sisters as sweet as taffy who go to miriam.

i've always been a bit guilty when i hung out with him. first of all, we weren't friends openly. he had his stomping squad, i had my friends. but when your lust crush texts and call on the same night and offers to study with you, you throw all caution to the wind and go. second, he has a girlfriend. if this guy were mine, i'd risk incarceration if only to eliminate from this world any other girl who thinks she can smile her way through my guy. but she never knew. we had nice long conversations. someone who i can be honest with cause i don't have to be with him every single day. just fun, honest, i-am-glad-i-won't-be-judged-for-this conversation.

so when i found out yesterday, a part of me died. i always thought that when the awful things strike me, i can always have fun with this person. good clean fun, dead drunk fun. but now he's getting married. wow.

so, goodbye lust crush.

... and i agree with you. it will be scary if you have a girl.

* * *

sex and the city season one marathon on my vhs.

fun.

* * *

vanvan, veevee, (and our personal favorite) potpot -- call her whatever. she amazes me.

didn't want her to be part of my little office. i was the youngest, i was smashing amazing (at least i'd like to think so). public school teachers were impressed that i'm coordinator at 25. don't want anyone being younger than me, smarter than me, more hardworking. she was going to ruin my little bubble of happiness.

she was bright, prudent, and followed the dress code. i slack off work ... and i have been notorious for wearing inappropriate outfits to work.

fastforward to two months later. i love the kid. she's amazing. thanks for calming me last friday.

(and i'm not saying this cause you're going to read this!)

* * *

was reading my favorite blog (see friday entry) when i saw it there ...

she thanked me.

you're welcome.

fuck. shit. tangina.

and that's just the start of it.

it's the "raise" issue all over again. i hate myself for getting all mad and affected and hurt (and a host of other emotions) about it but unfair is unfair is unfair no matter from what angle you look at it. i believe i deserve that raise -- i have worked hard last year, i have proven my worth, i am half of the team that changed the way they do things at work!

i'm thinking of passing my resignation ... if only i can afford it. my entire life savings is not even enough to buy a europass. resignation is not an option.

three more years of law school ... and the bar. then they wait and see.

for now, they could shove their fucking money up their flabby asses.

so there.

* * *

tried to console myself by shopping a bit. at first i thought sour gummi worms would be enough .. enough to make things better.

but no.

so i bought myself some loose powder that i'd been promising to get for the longest time.

whoever said happiness cannot be bought was dead wrong. sometimes, money does buy you happiness. temporal, yes. satisfying, yes yes yes.

* * *

a gay couple and one of their friends gave me my biggest smile of the day.

was in a bus on my way home when i found myself crammed beside a decent looking man. turns out the two other guys across were his friends. all three were gay.

the other half of a couple said he may not be something (can't remember!) but he was super lucky in love. his boyfriend was resting his head against him, and their arms were twisted like pretzels, their fingers intertwined. i agree. i can't remember the last time HE was that sweet to me. *sigh*

their conversation was hilarious. i don't think i can capture its spirit, and i won't even try. but being stuck between them from megamall to kamias was the highlight of my day.

when they left, i let out a long and hearty laugh. good thing i was not alone ... i had someone to share the laugh with.

they are so so so lucky to be happy.

no wonder they're called gay. nothing seems to get them down.

* * *

i am praying tomorrow will be better.

no, wait.

tomorrow will be better. i know so. i will it to be better.

me last saturday

love the third stanza best.

am having lunch with crush -- someone once called him a bad idea. bad idea cause (1) he's a good friend, (2) he's HIS friend too, not to mention they used to work for the same department, (3) he has a not-really-girlfriend-but-used-to-be-girlfriend-but-if-it-looks-like-one-and-talks-like-one-then-she-must-be-your-girlfriend who i really like.

but bad idea is tall, dark, and handsome. didn't know that breed actually existed until i met him.

may m.a. degree pa. from u.p.

gawsh. crush talaga.

today is better, thank god. i actually made a list of things i have to do:

(1) check my globe balance
(2) arrange for transpo for next week's school visits
(3) schedule visit #2 with schools
(4) check paper #2 and paper #3
(5) make guidelines for child ed research paper
(6) check out bazaar in tektite
(7) add stuff to blog for my students
(8) have barbecue for dinner
(9) do transpo digests
(10) photocopy transpo cases
(11) fix laundry
(12) fix foundation day plans -- including gantt charts, proposal, and budget -- plus update RA, vanvan, chang, rosros, gg, tartar, jonjon and bb about what they have to do.

good luck to me.

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speaking of laundry, am ditching my manang labandera and switching allegiance to soft and care in philcoa. yay!

i can't do what i'm supposed to do. am addicted to this. why is it that reading all about someone else's story makes you a slave to a computer with internet connection? amazing.

stressful day ... really really stressful. teaching class in 19 minutes and i'm not done preparing. tsk tsk tsk

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j ... good luck in finding this. i'm scared that you will actually do find this and read stuff i haven't shared with anyone i actually know in real life.

Google! DayPop! This is my blogchalk: English, Philippines, Las Piñas, BF, Roxanne, Female, 21-25!

Something someone sent me a long time ago. Nice.

Anything Less Than Mad Love Is A Waste Of Your Time
By Leah S. Casta

One of the most recently released movies that have perhaps hit home (cringe!), so to speak, is the low budget "Dream for an Insomniac" starring Ione Skye and Jennifer Aniston. The lead actor used to be a child star but unfortunately, the movies, which catapulted him to fame, have already slipped my mind. Try to rent a copy of this movie not because of the talent of those who starred in it but because of the dialogue. One of those lines, which bore a hole in my heart, was, and I quote (not verbatim, though):

"I don't want to be sixty years old and married to my second-best choice, wondering what ever happened to the one who got away."

This is just one of the two great lines in that movie. I'll tell you what the other one is later. Meantime, let me concentrate on this line-the line that sends chills down your spine once you decide to spend more than five seconds thinking about it.

Have you ever wondered what it must feel like married to the one you settled on? This truly gives me great feelings of anxiety. It might be difficult to accept the word "settle" because it conjures! Up images of quasi-happiness and half-hearted glee. Yes, there is some sort of satisfaction and perhaps, some feeling of security that can be derived from such a partnership but I wonder, could there be anything more? To settle is to ultimately accept what is within reach, what is available, what is there. To settle is to convince one's self that the decision about to be made is inevitable, realistic, and safe. To settle is to risk not ever being truly happy because one decides to adopt the worst type of 'bahala na' attitude on life's greatest challenges.

And settling is a sorry consequence of the passage of time. Yes, time can be the balm that soothes open, painful wounds in one's heart but it can also be that dark force that manipulates one's mind into thinking and believing that the choice one has made is the best choice... the only choice. What time does, and I'm sure you'll agree, is it lodges one's mind and heart in a cage with the door partly open-with the promise of a better life losing its appeal over the reality of the present, the convenient, and the routine.

Time also pressures one into selecting a suitor or spouse because 'wala nang iba' (there is no one else) and 'nagmamadali na ako' (I'm in a hurry) and there, 'puwede na rin.' (I'll make do).

The wickedness of "settling" is not one way. It also ventually hurts the one who was chosen because in all respects, the truth will surface. You no doubt realize that you just wasted each other's time and emotions. But then again, if your spouse chose you not because he or she "settled", then forget about the win-win situation you were gunning for.

Frankie (Ione Skye) delivered that line when she was deciding whether or not to do everything possible to win David Shrader's heart. David happened to be involved with someone else. He was attracted to Frankie but didn't really think it wise to split up with his girlfriend of three years on a limb. Very much unlike you and me, Frankie is very atypical of the Rules Girl. She went for David, bared her soul, and tried to convince him that he will only be happy with her. She then gave him the other great line in the movie to make him leave his girlfriend for her.

"Anything less than mad, passionate love is a waste of my time."

Many times, in my not too colorful past, I almost gave in to the urge to tell the boy I liked what I felt for im. In all those times, I opted otherwise for fear of my mother's wrath and, of course,embarrassment in case of rejection. I am scared of losing my precious dignity and pride in case he tells me that he only sees me as a friend. I'm sure you got through these exercises in your psyche too.

Sometimes, our hearts win out over our brains when our certainty over the outcome is great. I try to espouse The Rules and very rarely make the first move. More often than not, I wait for the guy to call. Now you know that I'm one of those who walk the avenues of life on a sidewalk-never off it.

Now, I'm starting to believe otherwise. I see the beauty in sharing your feelings with the one you love - not because you expect something in return but because life cannot be lived otherwise. It is a great, big step for an otherwise conservative, "torpe" girl like you and me,but if you think about it, it's the only way to go.

Richard Paul Evans' bestseller after The Christmas Box-The Locket-tells us the story of a woman who fell in love with a soldier when they were both very young. They shared their feelings with each other and were very happy. Eventually, he went off to war and she married somebody else, thinking he wouldn't return to her. Years passed and they lived their separate lives-he married and had a family while the woman's husband and son eventually succumbed to illnesses and died.

She decided to wait for her soldier's wife to die before she came back to him-because she didn't think it was right to complicate his life. The wait took more than sixty years until she eventually found the announcement of his wife's death in the obituary. By his time, the woman was already 80 and could barely walk. Sadly, by the time she managed to find her soldier to tell him she loved him, he was already senile. The woman eventually died a few days after seeing her soldier and perhaps going through the most heart-wrenching experience in her life. She was too late.

The morals of the stories I have mentioned above are similar and almost connected to each other. Perhaps another book theme that we can tie into these is that line from The Bridges of Madison County-"This kind of certainty comes but once in a lifetime."

I am of the belief that each person is given the chance to find his one true love as he goes about his life. Sometimes, the opportunity is not too obvious, especially for those who are content with their situation and therefore are not seeking "greener pastures." These times, the chance is often passed up. The luckier ones are those who are probably more clear-minded and in touch with their emotions because they can easily recognize what is staring them in the face. Whether this chance is passed up or not, I know that the feeling one gets when this chance is still within reach is one of certainty. Yes, it is also accompanied with feelings of danger, of risk, and of possible pain but compensating for this is that inexplicable "sureness," that sense of profound happiness that has never been derived anywhere else but from that one person who just happened to pass by in your tidy little life.

I call true love a gift because of its rarity. It does not happen everyday. If you pass it up the first time, try not to be too arrogant to look away when it comes by the second time. You may ask me "how will I know if this is my true love?" My answer to that is this: true love is that strong, awesome feeling that scares the hell out of you but always makes you unbearably happy. It doesn?t go away, no matter how much you will it to.

More than anything else, you'll know in your heart when you meet him that he is the one. He doesn?t become the one the same way that soulmates do not become soulmates later in life. With him, you are damn certain that you are not settling. With him, you know that you will be sixty years old and never wondering about the one that got away because he never did. He's right there holding your hand.

another day, another outfit. nothing new though, except for this really nice ponytail holder i bought yesterday. i did not finish checking my students' journals, i did not finish correcting the proposal i was making, i did not finish reading the case load for tonights class, i did not even begin to read up for my own class tomorrow. but, i did get to go to the mall, was able to satisfy myself that everything bayo has on sale i have either bought or decided not to buy, finished my new book, slept soundly, and drank a bottle of mule. pretty happy night, for a weeknight that is.

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are relationships, after two and a half years, destined to become like a boring marriage? someone told me that passions die after a while and that the real meaning of holding on is when all that's left is a comfortable silence between you.

i'd like to think not.

i'd like to think that in an ideal relationship, couples still talk. you still talk about your dreams, some of them may have been fulfilled, some of them still a dream. you still talk about crazy things and do crazy things like getting a neoprint together. the other person is still your "crush", that one single person who makes your skin tingle with his touch. you still look forward to dates together, you dress up and make sure you smell and look great. you still send messages to each other in the middle of night, sharing sweet nothings. you'd still talk on the phone every so often, just to share a crazy anecdote or to tell him about your awful day.

in the end, an ideal relationship is where the honeymoon lasts forever.

but men, a young but really wise friend said, are goal oriented. you are the goal. and once they have you, there's no such thing as "making things work". you just move on with your lives until one day you realize you're not happy anymore ... or that you're willing to settle.

i will not settle. i will wait for that man who can give me a honeymoon for the rest of our lives together.

entire cabinet door fell on me last sunday afternoon. must've been instant karma for not going to church.

next week, i promise.

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i have a headache. it's really cold in here. we used to joke around that the reason why it gets to be so cold is to prevent smart people from thinking. that way, the unsmart people would not appear so dumb.

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twenty things: (1) i like ballpens; (2) lived at home until college, stayed in the dorm system, stayed at home for two years, then been transferring places every year for the last two years. now, i'm back in the dorm; (3) was exposed to my first sweetdreams in grade 4, mills and boons in high school, and judith mcnaught in college. totally ruined my perception of relationships; (4) my ruined perception of relationships? girl meets guy, guy and girl like each other, they have a major fight to test their love, they get back together and pledge their undying love. crap.; (5) i blame my crappy relationships on my ruined perception of love. i will never allow my child to read any of the romance books (see number 3); (6) favorite novel: like water for chocolates; (7) favoritie movie: silence of the lambs; (8) happiness is bee cheng hiang dried pork; (9) my first favorite student was a cute chinese boy named ram. i think he's around 6 now.

nine na lang. am tired.

the best days are the days when you can sneak out of work and do more important things. today will be one of those days. i promised myself that i will finish checking my students' journals and leave by 3:30.

and even if i don't finish checking .... will ditch work still : )

it may be tuesday but it feels like monday anyway -- big headache from staying up too late reading, wearing your best outfit of the week cause you know you're going to have an awful day, it being the first working day of the week, too tired to do anything productive.

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wearing a new skirt today, my favorite cardigan, and pointy shoes that look painful on your feet but are not. happiness in a new outfit.

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if anyone out there actually reads this and that anyone out there loves barbecue, i suggest the barbecue at philcoa, right beside mcdonald's. there's king bbq for P20 and queen bbq for P13 -- happiness in a stick.

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texted my lust crush something really dumb yesterday. he actually replied and said "yes" to the dumb stupid request, but later on he texted back asking me if i were ok. told me to take it easy.

and to think they all said he was a jerk.

i'm thinking that sometimes it is easier to be yourself when you're with someone you don't really know ... and who doesn't know you back. first time i got to talk to this person, we didn't even have an awkward moment. was cramming for a final exam, he texted and told me he'd be happy to study with me. instead of studying we talked. and talked and talked and talked. i had just broken up with my boyfriend then and had a lot of angst to share. he stayed across the table and listend. no judgments. no evil comments. just a smile every so often. he didn't even smoke!

so, i unburdened my soul to this virtual stranger who takes drugs but was a perfect gentleman that night. i allowed this person who was probably half stoned that night to take me with him to a 24-hour restaurant cause i said i wanted to study and he just sat and drank ten glasses of water while i talked about the last two years and two months of my life with a man i really loved.

every so often he calls or texts. the best one was when he called at two in the morning asking me if he was going to die like rico yan. he was not concerned about the dying part, just the part that he ate chorizo and laing for dinner and that he was embarassed about his choice of food in case they autopsy him.

now i just text him when i need something weird/fun/exciting in my life. he's there ... most of the time.

so so proud of myself. i exercised my right to vote today!

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sometimes don't you just wish you knew then what you knew now? maybe that way you don't get to make wrong decisions. but then again, life may be boring. but for the first time in my life, i regret the mess i'm in right now. if you could only shoot yourself in the head to make yourself behave.

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stuff i did while avoiding stuff i should have done:
(1) went mini-shopping with my mom
(2) had great coffee talk with one of my favorite students. we chatted and chatted. it's nice being around people who don't see you as student/teacher/classmate/subordinate/child/sister/officemate but just as a friend who needs someone to listen to her once every so often. thanks j. for the amazing concern and maturity you showed last night. you're the best.
(3) had my nails done. now my toes are sandal-worthy. hah.
(4) contemplated on the meaning of my failed relationship ... no tears just a lot of sulking.
(5) ate BLT sandwich for the sixth meal in a row!
(6) went over magazines i have read five million times.
(7) blogged
(8) read other people's blogs.
(9) indulged myself in an afternoon nap i didn't really need.
(10) texted him.

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why won't buffy go for spike?

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wish i didn't have to go to work tom. wish i was sure that we won't have succession tom. have NOT memorized nor read up to art. 814. who actually memorizes up to art. 814 ... i know... them, and not me. super loser student.

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love, love, love my child ed class. love my students! dunno what to surprise them with this week though. maybe i will sing (it's definitely going to rain then.... ) for variety. he!he!he! there are more ways than one to torture your own students.

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miss him miss him miss him. keep telling myself GO GET A LIFE ROSA! but i weep and mope ... grrrrrr. hate myself for this.

rain stopped. dunno if i should be happy about it or not. there's something about the really cool nights and cool days that make you really happy.

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thank god for mothers -- sometimes. yesterday was really awful day complete with crying spells every so often. but mama drove me -- her child who cannot drive to save her life -- to the mall for therapy, a.k.a. shopping. actually since i was flat broke, she shopped, i looked. i did get new contacts, had the lenses of my glasses changed, a new shirt, a new book, and an alarm clock. so, i'm now worse off than someone's who's flat broke .... i'm in debt.

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speaking of the new shirt, it was kainis how i wore one of my old shirts to go shopping yesterday and one armpit started to smell icky. i've discovered this deodorant/ anti-perspirant and i've been crazy happy about it and now this! oh me oh my. i blamed the shirt, naturally. i have walked all around ortigas with the sun shining mercilessly and no smell and now i go in a cold mall on a cold day AND I START TO SMELL ON ONE ARMPIT??? nope, i will not blame my happy deodorant. i replaced the shirt -- bought one off the rack and wore it. no more smell, nice new shirt. white shirt with 2 cherries in sequins. happiness.

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got the alarm clock for P98 and it keeps on shouting "wake up!" until you turn it off then it squeals "good morning." cute ... and will suffice until a significant other walks into my life and greets me good morning first thing in the morning.

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baranggay elections today. go out and vote. a friend was asking if it would be possible for comelec to just give him in cold cash whatever it is they allocated for him for this year's elections since he didn't know who to vote for. i didn't know either, until i came home saturday and one candidate apparently passed out flyers and this one had (1) my name (2) my address and (3) my precint number on it. i don't know him from adam but if he made an effort to do this, then he's got my vote. by the way, he's the older brother of our mayor, and i'm the biggest fan of our mayor. his family's out to take over the public service sector of our entire city but i don't care. our mayor made the roads nicer, the city cleaner, the city hall beautiful, and sends me a birthday card every year. another city-mate i met on a boat to bacolod said he didn't care if the mayor's wife were to run in the next elections -- the family had done amazing things for the city and they could go on ruling indefintely. i agree. so much for democracy.

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the crush i lust for came to the rescue yesterday. i was feeling depressed and texted him that (including a stupid "by the way there's no corpo on monday" to make it more legitimate) and he asked me if i didn't like the rain. told him i loved it but i've sworn off men forever, and that life was happier when my greatest passion was brett michaels. he said, "love's no different from manic pop infatuation." hmmm... still. brett michaels --- hot. hot. hot. glam rock was amazing. i can still imagine him singing "every rose has its thorn .." hot. hot. hot.

am done with my on-again, off-again relationship. yesterday, while attempting to study for my classes while playing the sims, i texted him saying i can't hack it anymore. know what he said -- "ok, maybe this is the best decision." that was the most insulting thing in the whole universe. it felt like he was just waiting for me to say the magic words so that he can move on with HIS life. felt so much like a loser.

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the i hate her girl was cooking tuyo yesterday, the smell of which permeated throughout our tiny corridor and into my room. i love tuyo to death, but now i realize that i hate it when it's not cooked in a kitchen sealed off from the rest of the house. come to think of it, fish does not smell good while it's cooking. it's the bad foods that smell great cooking -- pork chop, barbecue, fried chicken, steak. yum. don't forget bacon. bacon. bacon. bacon. bacon. in my heaven, we will be all eating bacon without the added pounds. bacon lettuce tomato sandwiches, bacon on baked potato, bacon alone. bacon. bacon. bacon.

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back to him. i feel miserable. why is it that most women's magazines (i'm an addict -- but only if my measly budget can afford it) tell you about empowerment, and strength, and all that bull about being your own woman but don't process the pain, hurt, and isolation that you feel immediately after a breakup. breakups leave you hanging. breakups leave you with bile in your mouth. breakups make you forget about your promise to go to church with your dearest friends no matter what. breakups make you want to stay in your bed all day (except to get up and eat bacon) and read god-awful books. breakups makes you want to hurl your cellphone on the wall cause you know you'll never get another message from him again. and no matter who does the breaking up, it's usually the girl who suffers. maybe cause we care. maybe cause when we say i love you we really mean it, much like we don't mean it when we say fine when our boyfriends tell us that they'd rather watch the world cup live somewhere than be with us.

oooohhhh. i sound really bitter here. well, let it rip. putangina. putangina. putangina.

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it's amazing how some of us contemplate death at this stage of our lives (except probably for this one person i know who said he'd rather kill the person who caused him pain than die himself. how smart -- and cute. he's incidentally the lust of my life.). when the first real breakup took place, i was staying in the 11th floor of a condo and i contemplated on jumping out several times. wasn't afraid really of the dying, was afraid of the experience right before dying -- will i regret i jumped? will i get stuck somewhere? (the fourth floor of the building stuck out a bit) do i have good underwear on? so, i never got around doing it.

yesterday, i thought about it again. i was all alone in a dorm room with peeling green paint and thought -- why not? well for one, it's that time of the month. then i didn't have anything sharp. might just get pahiya if i end up all bloody and still alive.

so there. i'm still alive and typing my frustrations out.

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no classes. no work. no classes. no work.

has a nice sound to it, right?

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ten things about me:

(1) i would like to lose weight to get my bmi to be around 18 (it's now 24) but i can't give up pork because of bacon, pork barbecue, and sinigang na baboy.
(2) i am positively in love with al'lan mondragoran of the Wheel of Time series. if he were to step out of the pages of the book, i would marry him, whether or not he likes it.
(3) i can't sing to save my life. however, it used to be part of my job to sing though. maybe that's why that job didn't last.
(4) i love the powerpuff girls. even though no one above the age of 12 should probably be caught dead wearing a shirt or any other merchandise, i don't mind admitting that i have shirts, pillows, balloons, pencils, pens, stationary, etc all with the bubble-headed superheroes
(5) i'd rather read books than watch a movie. i'm not a real big fan of movies.
(6) i'm a big fan of britney spears. i don't own her cd or anything like that. i just like britney. i like the way she doesn't mind being on the worst dressed list, or all the hate stuff being published. i like her attitude. i like her spunk. give me britney over mandy moore anytime. britney's real.
(7) my favorite weather is when the sky looks like it's about to rain and it's cool and everything but it's not. it's just gray and depressing, but no rain.
(8) i love to shop. one of these days, i'm going to drop my respectable job, give up my life as an evening student, and declare to the world i will be a professional shopper. i will do people's shopping for them for a living -- grocery shopping, christmas gift shopping, shoe shopping. it will surprise you how many people hate the idea of shopping. i can make life easier for them.
(9) i make lists for everything -- to do list, to buy list, wish list, clothes i have worn this month list, stuff i must absolutely have list, christmas list -- and the list goes on and on and on.
(10) i still want him back.

i hate her! i hate her! i hate her!